Page 36 of Degrees of Control

Masochism. “Oh, you know, just the stuff we’ve been doing…” This was her own fault for throwing stones within her own, very obvious, glass house.

James arched an eyebrow at her. “And what is ‘the stuff’ we’ve been doing, Blue-Eyes?”

Webster’s dictionary defines masochism as…“Ahh…stuff?”

He smirked, his stupid face so handsome she wanted to punch it. “Now who’s the one hiding?”

“It’s easy for you, hot guy! You could be into anything; peeing on people, stuffed animals,anythingand women would just line up.”

He shrugged. “What makes you think you’re any different?”

“Are you kidding? I’m a five-foot-nothing yoga teacher. People either think I’m a virgin or I make slow sensuous love under waterfalls.”

“And do you?”

She examined her toes. The purple polish on them was chipping.

“Charlotte?”

“I’m into this,” she said without looking at him. “I’ve always been into these things.”

“You mean BDSM?”

Charlie shook her head. She wasn’t into latex or dog collars and being beaten with a sex-paddle. To her that kind of scene seemed cheesy. “I like…rough things. Psychological domination. Feeling like I’m being used. Being taken against my will or forced to do things…things that are a lot harder to admit than wanting to have your wrists tied to the bed, or a little spanking. Even now I understand what I want and I know it’s notthatunusual, I still find it so weird.”

“What’s weird about it?”

“I don’t know, that these are my desires. That no one made me want kinky, perverted sex, I just want it. It’s not bad, I guess, it’s just so not in keeping with everything else about me.”

“In what way?”

“In the way I am. I’m a vegan and a pacifist, I hate injustice and pain and suffering. I don’t think there’s a worse thing a man could do than force someone to have sex with him against their will, but that’s what I pretend is happening to me whenever I come. It just doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t match the person I want to be…” She wrinkled her nose. “Nice girls don’t have rape fantasies.”

James smiled then as he tucked yet another lock of hair behind her ear. “Well, you’re about the nicest person I’ve ever met, so I’d say that’s a point disproven.”

Charlie felt a warm glow filter through her stomach. “Thanks.”

“Who else have you told about your fantasies?” James asked. “Your ex?”

That was a laugh. Dale would have driven her to a psychologist before she’d finished a single sentence. “Just a few girlfriends and you.”

James nodded thoughtfully, and Charlie realized he’d already known he was her first. Silently she thanked him for not gloating about it.

“You took a pretty big leap with me at that party, Blue-Eyes. You had no idea if I was an asshole or what you wanted.”

Charlie looked at him sprawled out on the floor like an Adonis, all gold skin and firm muscles and beautiful, dangerous eyes.Seriously, who could look at you and not want you?

James smiled, a big grin that made him look years younger. “What’re you starin’ at?”

She wanted to wrap her arms around his shoulders, to tell him how amazing he made her feel. How much it meant to her that they could do these crazy, wonderful things together. Charlie placed a hand on each side of his head and lowered herself down for a kiss. James lay there like a slab of beef, motionless against her lips. She pulled away, confused, and after a short, awkward silence, James sat up. “Ah, thanks. For that. I should probably—I’m gonna get rid of this condom.”

He stood and strode away as quickly as a pedestrian avoiding a speeding car. A wave of very un-erotic humiliation rose inside Charlie’s chest.

You’re an idiot, Bell. You really, really are. Tell you what, once you’re done trying to make out with a commitment-phobe after sex, you should try licking a toaster. In the bath.

Suddenly she was bone-tired, fully aware of how late it was. She would have to take a cab home and that meant no money for food, bills oranythinguntil next Monday. She heaved a great big sigh and sat up to adjust her dress. With a throb of horror, she realized there was a huge tear beside the zip. Her heart plummeted. Unless she could mend it, the whole thing was going in the bin along with the undies James shredded.

God, I’m so tired of being poor.

---