Page 75 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Alice... you know I love you, right baby?”

I nodded, unable to speak.

“And you know I want the best for you. I want you to be happy.”

I nodded again. “Yes of course. And I want that for you too, so I’m going to make sure you’re happy for the rest of your life.”

“No, baby... you’re not.”

I felt like my air was cut off, like my lungs no longer worked. I was suddenly hovering outside my body, watching this whole scene play out without me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I watched from outside myself as Daddy told me he’d arranged for him to go into an assisted living home, where he would be taken care of by strangers, not me. I watched as he motioned to the stack of papers on his lap, and asked me to sign them, explaining that I was in charge of his finances and held his power of attorney, and had the final say on how his assets would be distributed when he passed away. I watched myself numbly flip through the papers, signing them one by one, my tears making blotches on the papers, but my hand moving without my own control.

When I finished signing the papers, Daddy thanked me and asked me to sit close to him. He laid his head on my shoulder, and then kissed my neck and sat up.

“I found you a new job, Alice. It’s a very good job with an associate of mine.

“You don’t remember, but about a year ago, we did a job where we worked with the CIA. One of the men involved was impressed by you and asked if he could steal you. I told him no, but he gave me his card anyway. I called him and he wants you to come work for them, doing the same thing you do for me. Or... did for me.

“You’ll be a PA, and an admin assistant. The pay is really good. I’ve arranged a nice little apartment for you. I’ve signed my car over to you. I’ve transferred some extra money into your bank account to get you started. You’re going to move out there, you’re going to make a lot of money and have a wonderful career. You’re going to finish your degree, and maybe one day you’ll go flying up there in the stars, and I can see you all the way from heaven.”

I said nothing. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t even have a mouth anymore.

“You’re going to have a life, babygirl, and you’re going to be amazing. You’re going to fall in love with someone who can take care of you, not someone who will weigh you down and be a burden on you. Someone your age who you can live out the rest of your life with.”

But I love you. Don’t you love me anymore?

“Everything you need to know about your new job is in the folder on my desk.”

I don’t want to move. I want to stay here with you forever.

“I’ll call you all the time and check up on you.”

Why don’t you want me anymore? Am I not enough for you? Did I not take good enough care of you? Did I fail you? I tried so hard. Why wasn’t it enough? I gave up everything for you. You’re my life, my love, my Daddy.

“Come on, babygirl. Let’s go.”

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