Page 65 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Chapter 15

Sixteen years ago

“Alice, I really need you to do this for me, baby.”

Dad stared at me with bloodshot eyes, glossy and unfocused. His hair was a mess, he wore boxers and a stained tank top, and he smelled like piss and beer.

I stood in the center of the living room, his dealer sitting on the edge of the couch, his pants down to his ankles, dick sticking up. It looked absolutely disgusting.

“Dad,” I said softly.I can’t do this.

I had agreed to this because he was easier to deal with when he was high. When he didn’t get his fix he whined and complained, shouted at me, or even worse, ignored me. It seemed like the lesser of two evils. But now, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. It looked and felt so nasty to even think about.

I wasn’t squeamish about sex. I’d seen plenty of it, and even tried it a few times. It didn’t really do anything for me, so I figured it wasn’t a big deal. If he got high enough, he didn’t notice that I steal half his welfare check.

LaShawn sat on the couch, stroking his squat, harry dick, staring at me.

“I don’t know–”

“You don’t have to do anything, baby, just put it in your mouth. He’ll do the rest.”

This is all because of Scarlett,I thought.All of this is happening because of Scarlett.

I took a step forward, feeling like I was being dragged or pushed by some invisible force. LaShawn opened his legs a little wider to make room for me.

Why did you have to die? Why did you break our family by running out in front of that bus?

It wasn’t her fault,I told myself again.She was five. She was chasing a fucking butterfly.

LaShawn got frustrated with me standing there in front of his dick, so he reached up and grabbed my hand, dragging me forward. I felt my legs buckle my knees hit the floor. I winced at the pain.

You weren’t watching her close enough. It was your fault she ran off. And it’s your fault mom took off.

Both his hands were on the side of my face now, and I resisted as he pulled me forward, but it did no good.

“Be a good girl, slut,” he mumbled, “or daddy’s only getting half his usual.”

As he dragged my face forward, the truth I hated to admit resurfaced in my mind.This is what you get, Alice. You put yourself here. This is your punishment for not watching her, like mom said. So take it and shut up.

It was a few weeksafter I started blowing LaShawn for Dad’s drugs that I got in trouble at school for the last time. I liked to skip class and hang outside with the kids who smoked cigarettes, and sometimes the need for an adrenaline or a dopamine rush got me in trouble. Spray painting penises on the side of the building that faced the church across the street wasn’t my finest moment, but the excitement was enough of a distraction to get the taste of LaShawn’s nasty dick out of my mouth.

Unfortunately, it also got me expelled.

Dad didn’t answer his phone, probably because he was high out of his mind, so a police officer escorted me home and dropped me off at our trailer. Dad didn’t answer so I told the guy he was at work.

Inside, Dad and LaShawn were both sitting on the couch, high as hell. Dad didn’t look so good. He had wet his pants and his eyes looked glazed over. LaShawn was asleep, snoring loudly.

I’m done,I told myself.If I’m going to suck dick to make it in life, it’s going to be for me, not forhissorry ass.

I went through the house and packed the few things I cared about, found the last of his stash of cash, grabbed the secret money I’d hoarded, and left.

Three weeks later,after hitchhiking, bumming food, and sleeping under bridges, I made it from Belle Glade to Orlando. I had no money, no hope, and no plan. But I couldn’t go back. I’d never have a chance if I stayed there. Nobody from Belle Glade ever did.

It was the most hopeless day of my life, the anniversary of Scarlett’s death, that I met Mordecai. I was sitting outside on a bench near a restaurant, asking people for change or leftovers, and trying not to cry.

The thoughts in my head were on repeat.You did this to yourself. This is what you deserve. You’re a useless waste of space. It should have been you who died that day, not her.

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