Page 40 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I was tired of trying to resist Alice. I had spent far too many months avoiding her, trying to convince myself she wasn’t the right kind of sub for me, that I’d missed the truth of the matter: she’d been placed in my life for a reason, and I needed to remember my truths.Listen to the Master. The visions don’t lie.

A few days later in my home in DC, I paced up and down the hallway as I made a mental list of everything I needed to do. History. Research her disorder. Follow up with Lewis and Pierce. Download all my apps again. Create a folder on my phone for her. Tidy up the playroom. Charge everything and unbox the toys. Get online and find some resources or articles on how to deal with a brat, which was the one thing I thought I’d never have to do, so it was the one thing I’d never really read up on.

The first and most important task was the one I didn’t quite want to tackle yet. I argued with myself about it as I walked towards the bedroom door, and then past it, and then turned and walked the hallway again.

Just clear the room out.

Alice may bail. This might not work out.

It’s been six years, clear the room out.

She probably won’t travel with me. At least not right away.

If she goes in there and sees that room, it will upset her. Clear the room out.

I paused in front of the door, staring at it and wishing I didn’t have to do this on my own. Wishing I’d accepted my friend’s offers to help. Wishing I’d done it right away, while I was still numb.

I can’t. Not tonight.

It wasn’t that late, so I called Becca. “Exciting life you live, Mister Weston. Calling me on a Friday night?”

“I’m in there with the champs, apparently. You answered on the first ring.”

She laughed. “What’s up, Reuben?”

“I need you to tell me everything you can about Borderline Personality Disorder.” There was a hesitation on the other line, and I could practicallyhearher smirk. “Shut up.”

“Alice? Really? She isn’t your type, Reuben.”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed, settling down in my recliner. “But humor me.”

Becca broke down the nine characteristics that made up the disorder, explaining that a person had to have five to be diagnosed. Most of what she said seemed to clarify Alice’s personality almost immediately: rapid mood shifts, attachment issues, fear of abandonment, dissociation, and more. I’d seen evidence of these behaviors but hadn’t known what to make of them.

“Are things making sense?” Becca asked.

“More than you know.”

Little things started to click. Of course there were the rapid mood shifts, but there was more than that.

There was a day when Sophie and Cat had been sitting together having a private conversation, and Alice had gotten a hurt look on her face and avoided the two for the rest of the day because she’d felt left out. It seemed to have resolved itself, so I hadn’t thought too much of it.

Then there was the way she seemed to be obsessed with annoying me, and then suddenly out of nowhere she’d decided she was done with me and avoided me completely. I was sure other things would come to the surface as I dug further.

And the times she appeared to completely lose herself mentally, staring off into space, rubbing at her neck, and then jumping with fear and covering her face when someone called her attention back to her body. She dissociated regularly and panicked when brought back to herself.

“Why are you doing this, Reuben? You haven’t pursued anyone in years and now you’re choosing her? She’s going to frustrate the hell out of you. Don’t get me wrong, I like Alice, and she’s fun for a romp, but you and I both know that’s not what you want.”

I knew Becca was just watching my back. She was being a good, responsible friend, like she always was, calling me out.

“I don’t think I have much of a choice, Becca,” I said softly. “I recognized her the moment I saw her... it’sher.”

On the other end, Becca was quiet.

“The girl I told you about. That I’ve dreamed about.”

A moment later, Becca burst out in laughter.

“What!”

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