Page 38 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

She hesitated, and then said, “I would appreciate that very much.” Her voice was soft and respectful. A little wave of satisfaction went through me at her tone.

“Consider it taken care of. But I’d really like to talk about this, Alice.” I rose and faced her straight on. “Peter Woodrow lied to a lot of people, and I need to know your side of what happened.”

She met my gaze, and I felt like I was going to lose myself in the sight. Damn why did her eyes have to be that fucking perfect?

She swallowed and lifted her chin. “Will you believe the testimony of a brat?”

“You being a brat has nothing to do with you telling the truth or not. You’ve already proven to me that you can act like an adult about things that matter. This matters.”

She shook her head and looked back up at the sky. “You’re sending me some really mixed signals here, buddy.”

I stammered for a moment before I managed to speak. “Iam sendingyoumixed signals? Alice, for fuck’s sake–” I cut myself off before I said something I’d regret.

“What! For fuck’s sake,what? Go ahead, spit it out, big guy!”

I really should have controlled myself, but I found myself shouting at her instead. “You are driving me insane!” And then I completely lost track of the control I’d held onto by a thread.

“You follow me around and purposefully annoy the shit out of me for months, then you piss me off by proving to me that you can actually be one of the most professional, polite people I’ve ever met, then you get sweet and sexy and emotional on me over Christmas, then you ignore me and treat me like a creepy ex who makes you uncomfortable. I have no idea what you want becauseyou won’t fucking talk to melike anormal fucking person!So explain to meyourmixed signals and maybe we can actually get somewhere!”

She stared at me, eyes wide, lips parted slightly. I groaned and found myself pinching the bridge of my nose in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“Holy fucking balls, Reuben, it took six months, but I finally got an emotion out of you. I’m adding this to my sticker chart.”

I dropped my hand and stared at her, praying to God this wasn’t all an elaborate prank just to get to me.

“You want to understand? You want to know what I want? Here, I’ll break it down for you, okay? I’m. Fucking. Insane.”

She pointed to her head. “See this? This brain is broken. Repeated childhood trauma will do that to you. I basically have brain damage, okay? And because of it, I have to spend every minute of every day trying to keep control of my emotions, and my face, and my mood, and mystupidmouth that saysstupidshit when I don’t want it to. Do you have any idea how many spoons that takes?”

“Spoons?”

“So on top of having ADHD and PTSD, I also have attachment issues, a dissociative disorder, and a whole slew of other things all rolled up into something called Borderline Personality Disorder. So I spend all day trying to keep control of myself, trying to decide if my reactions to things are valid or if I’m being overdramatic, trying to decide if I’m crazy or if I’m being manipulated and abused, because I can’t fucking tell, becauseI can’t tell anything. I go from ecstatic to depressed in five minutes. And none of it is real or valid!

“And you want to know why I’m a brat?” She stepped closer to me and pointed a finger in my face. “Because I’mtired. I’m so damn tired of being in control all the damn time. I’m tired of having to be the strong one, the responsible one, constantly trying to get through the day and be a big girl. My brain is overloaded, and every once in a while, I need someone to turn it off for me.

“You said that brats aren’t subs, but you’re wrong. We are just like the rest of them. We just have a different way of asking for help.”

Her tirade slowed, and she caught her breath, speaking quietly with a heavy sadness in her voice.

“I’ll never get on my knees with a snap of your fingers. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there. But I’ll be damned if I trust myself to anyone who isn’t strong enough to put me there themselves.”

A few tears rolled down her cheeks and she looked up at the sky, laughing. “You want to know what I want?” Her lip quivered for a moment. “I don’t fucking know, Reuben. But I know one thing... I think you’re strong enough. And that’s pretty fucking beautiful.”

I stared at her in shock, letting everything she said mull around in my brain, trying to sort it out and make some sense of it. There was too much to process, and still too many questions, and too many grey areas. But the things that did stick out to me were clear. Alice had been begging me to help her, to control her, to give her a sense of direction, for the past six months. And I’d completely ignored her.

She’d been right here in front of me.My girl,begging for help. And I’dignoredher, rejected her, because she wasn’t what I wanted or expected.

I felt like a total piece of shit. She’d been practically dropped in my lap. Years of searching, waiting, hoping, praying... then she showed up right under my nose and I’d pushed her away because she didn’t meet my preconceived ideas.

With that knowledge, the prophecy I’d received seemed to click into place.I will destroy you.Alice was about to break down everything that I’d created for myself, everything I’d learned and adhered to for the past twenty-odd years. I had no choice but to learn a new way, try a new path, if I was going to reach her. Because my way wasn’t going to work for her.

I stepped closer to her and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. Her eyes looked bigger and brighter under the light of the stars above us, and the tears rolling down her cheeks gave me the tiniest splash of pleasure I craved. Fuck was she enchanting.

In that moment, looking up at me like that, I saw the submissive side of her begging to be let out and cared for. I wanted to own her, to tame her, to give her those guidelines and boundaries she craved. I wanted her to trust me enough to be good for me. I wanted to put her on her knees and prove to her I was strong enough to take care of her.

But there was only so much I was willing to do, only so far I would go, without her complete understanding and consent. I couldn’t break every standard I’d committed to... but maybe I could bend some of them. Maybe I could find that perfect balance, right on the edge, right where she liked to dance. Claiming my girl, who I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was supposed to be mine, was more important to me than following a black-and-white rulebook.

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