Page 37 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

This wasn’t a kiddie telescope. I was looking up at a planet, though I wasn’t sure which one. Before I could ask, she started rambling.

“It’s Jupiter. See that big red thing in the middle? That’s a gas storm. And you can’t see the rings from this position because the rings are literally so big, that from the place I have it focused, you can’t see them. And do you see the bright star right behind it!”

I looked up from the eyepiece and saw her staring down at me with excitement and expectation.

“Isn’t it cool?”

“It’s very cool.”

“Iknow!”

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch, and she held her breath in expectation. I gave her the quickest little smirk and looked back down through the eyepiece.

“This is one hell of a telescope.”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “I missed it so much... thank you, Reuben.”

“You’re welcome.” I stood straight and brushed the snow off my knee. She was staring straight up at the sky as if it held all the secrets to the universe. Maybe it did.

“I didn’t used to believe in God, you know?” she said softly. “After everything, I didn’t. But then... well. Daddy took me to the space museum. And I got really interested in the stars, and black holes, and I started taking Astronomy courses at the community college. And math classes, and science and stuff. And I was going to get my degree and everything. And the more I learned about space, and science, and chemistry, and all that stuff, the more I realized, there is no way in all of space or time this shit could have exploded itself into existence. Like, the odds are just too ridiculous.”

She looked down through the eyepiece and made a few more adjustments as she spoke. “And I wasn’t really sure about which god I believed in, because there’s a lot of arguing about it, you know? So I just started learning about all of them. Because if you didn’t know this about me, I tend to fixate on things. So I learned a whole bunch of stuff about religion, and I kinda went nuts with it.

“And I’m still not sure I know which one is the real one. But I know thereisa real one. And the real God made all this. On purpose. It wasn’t an accident. I’m not sure about the rest yet... but that’s what I believe.” She stepped away and gestured to the telescope again, and I looked back down.

Once again I was blown away by the sight. “It’s the edge of the Milky Way. You can’t see the whole thing from here because there are too many trees. But I looked online and you can see it really well from the top of the mountain, and also from Deep Gap and Hominy Valley. And that’s not too far away.”

“There’s an observatory near the Asheville airport, you know that?”

“Yeah, I want to go.” Her voice was soft.

“Let’s do it. Pick a weekend.” I don’t know what made me offer, but if the Milky Way brought out the childlike wonder in her, then I could tolerate standing in the snow for a little while to let her look into outer space.

She scoffed. “Yeah, right. Like you’d survive spending that long with me.”

“I have twenty-four hours at my disposal, don’t I?” I stood up again and faced her.

Her facial expression implied she’d forgotten she’d given me that coupon. “It doesn’t matter,” she said, taking my place in front of the telescope. “You don’t have thepatienceor therespectto like me enough to spend time with me.”

“That’s a lot of passive aggressive energy in one statement. Want to explain it?” She’d annoyed me plenty over the past few months, but to my knowledge, I’d never given her a reason to believe I disliked her. And after the Holiday party, I’d thought we’d turned a corner.

“Oh, you know. Just that I’m a brat. And you don’tbelievein brats. I’m not stupid, Reuben.”She leaned over and began adjusting the telescope again.

“Alice, I feel like you’re using a lot of words tonotsay something that you really need to say. Just spit it out.”

“Shut up, I’m adjusting.”

Oh, there were so many things I wanted to do and say to that comment. But I needed to get to the bottom of this whole situation before I made any kind of move.

You’re not making a move,I told myself.No moves. No brats. Just remedy the Woodrow Situation and move on. But my mind’s eye wasn’t listening to my conscience. My mind’s eye was picturing grabbing Alice by the ponytail and shutting her up properly.

“Here. Look, it’s the moon.”

I looked down to see a moon I didn’t recognize.

“It’s one of Jupiter’s moons. I’m not sure which one though. I don’t have my map book.”

“Do I need to retrieve the rest of your belongings?” I didn’t look up from the eyepiece, waiting for her response.

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