Page 357 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“I haven’t reinforced it in months, sweetheart. It’s just a word now.”

Something about the loss of his control over me felt deeply wrong.

Even though he stopped using those triggers when I’d asked him to, I’d felt safe in the knowledge that hecould have, but chose not to. At least, that’s how I’d felt shortly after my panic attack. Now, knowing him and trusting him like I did, I wanted it back.

Over the course of the trial, we had done a little bit of hypnosis, on my request, because I’d had days when all I could see was Woodrow’s face, and all I could hear was his voice in my head. Reuben had agreed to silence my thoughts, on the condition that we not do any trigger work or conditioning. It was simply coaxing me into a relaxed state, and not even entering trance.

His face fell into concern, and my vision blurred. “Baby, what is it?”

When he caught my chin, I realized I was shaking my head. “No,” I managed to say. “I don’t like that. I want it back. I want them back. I want... everything, Sir. I want everything, I want all of it, I–”

He placed his finger over my lips. “Okay. Relax, calm down... let’s talk about it more tomorrow, when you’re not looking so beautiful crying in my arms. I’ll give you everything you can take, okay baby?”

I nodded and spoke against his finger. “Say it again, please?”

He smiled, and it wasn’t one of those evil scheming grins. It was soft, and sweet, and I hated it, and I loved it. Pulling me closer, he brushed a gentle kiss across my lips, sending a flurry of flutters through my stomach.

His whiskers and beard tickled my face as he spoke between his kisses. “My good girl... my good... good... girl.”

Epilogue

Two years later

“You can’t force yourself to be something you’re not.”

Cat and I sat on the front porch enjoying our drinks in the delicate warm summer breeze. Behind us, the door to my home was propped open with one of Alice’s most recent craft projects (a large rock that she’d covered in stickers and glitter glue). The sounds of clinking silverware on plates, laughter, and quiet discussion mixed with the smooth jazz playing through the house.

It had been a long time since I’d hosted a house party. We’d decided to have one up in Cullowhee, since most of us were up here anyway for the opening of Pathway to Peace. The heat of the day had broken about an hour ago, and we had another three hours of sunlight.

“You can work to better yourself, work through your fears, and grow as a person... but you cannot make yourself into something that isn’t in your nature. Just like you can bury the Beast, but you can’t kill it. And the harder you crush your inner submissive, the worse she will hurt when she emerges.”

“How didyoudeal with being a submissive when you knew it wasn’t really...you?” she asked. Cat was struggling through some memories of her former relationship, and fighting with the guilt from the burnout of her current situation.

“The same way you dealt with being a Domme to your husband when you’re really a switch. The same way you currently deal with taking care of all those kids, and half of the Freshman, even though you’re burned out and need someone to take care ofyousometimes.”

She continued to stare out into the woods. Her mask of self-control and confidence dropped for a moment, showing her exhaustion and her desire to be cared for, to be cherished, to let someone else take the reins forfive fucking minutes.

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