Page 219 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I pretended to type and click on the computer, invested in the conversation. Finally, the man asked, “Do you ever have a situation where the girls become emotionally attached to their caregivers?”

“Quite often, yes. Usually it’s similar to a parent-child relationship. However, if you’re asking if the girls fall in love with them... sometimes the answer to that is yes as well.

“We have a procedure in place for that. Usually, we ask them to spend some time apart, or some time with another Dominant, to get some space from their emotions. It can be very overwhelming to feel so much trust in someone after a long bout of trauma, and sometimes they mistake that trust and affection for love, and sometimes, they don’t know how else to communicate that other than offering themselves sexually. That’s why it’s so important that you communicate with us how they’re doing, and that you resist and constantly reinforce the lines of your dynamic. Wewillpress charges against you if we find out there has been any kind of sexual relationship between you two, and you’ll be blacklisted in your local community.”

“I completely understand. It’s obviously not a goal of mine,” the man said. “I was just wondering how common it was.”

“I would say... one out of twenty. But don’t quote me on that number, I’d have to go back through all our files to give you an accurate one.

“Usually, some space and some time with another caregiver, even for a short period of time, is all that is needed. Learning to show affection in nonsexual ways helps them as well.”

I zoned out of the conversation, although I recognized that it went on quite a bit longer after that. I was stuck chewing on what Reuben had said.

It can be very overwhelming to feel so much trust in someone after a long bout of trauma, and sometimes they mistake that trust and affection for love.

Was that something I was at risk for? I already knew I was a little obsessed with Reuben, and extremely attached to him. Probably way more than I should be. The memory of him quietly telling me to go downstairs to the dungeon, and how he’d calmly explained that he was going to punish me for being disrespectful made me think of that gross nasty feeling in my gut. I hated it. I’d even said all those silly mantras and I-statements just so he wouldn’t be disappointed in me anymore.

Was I in danger of convincing myself I was in love with him when I wasn’t?

Based on my track record, that is a resounding yes.

Almost immediately, I felt my defenses go up. While we were vetting, I’d told him I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship. I wanted rules, structure, play, and pain. He’d said the same thing when he’d claimed me, that he respected that and would honor it.

I’d have to be pretty damn careful to shield myself from falling for him, or convincing myself I was in love with him, especially if it was really just trust and appreciation that I felt.

My will solidified, I attempted to resume my focus on his calendar while I thought through a few ideas to make the next few days a little more fun and interesting.

Chapter 49

Thursday morning, Iwent by the center to meet a few new caregivers and speak with some of the girls who had been there for a while. Some were starting to come back to themselves, while others were still a little lost. But even the ones who were lost seemed to be less afraid.

The meetings went well, and I had a chance to touch base with Becca while I was there. We sat in her office, and I sipped on a fresh cup of coffee.

“How is everything? How are you holding up?” I asked her.

“We’re okay. He agreed to radiation, and he hates it, but he’s taking it like a champ and is doing well. I hate watching him suffer, but he seems to have some more drive these days than he did before. So that’s good. The doctors say he’ll probably live at least another two or three years if this next round goes well.”

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