Page 119 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Reuben took up his spot in his armchair, giving me the seat on the ottoman between his legs. I smiled as I leaned up against his knee like I had the other day.

“I hate what he did to you,” he said softly, staring at me. “I hate that he found you first.”

“I hate his guts,” I said. “But maybe that’s not a realistic response. Maybe I’m crazy and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion like I did with Simon–”

“No, Alice. He gaslighted you. You trusted him, and he misused that trust. He abused you.”

“Reuben, the thing is... he did exactly what I asked. Exactly what I needed. I need someone to not quit on me when I try to quit on them. I need someone to not let me go, to not let me break up with them when I get a little paranoid. I need someone to make me a promise and hold onto me no matter what. I need that consistency, that promise that they’re in it forever, because otherwise I can’t commit... Peter Woodrow gave me exactly what I needed... he was just the wrong guy to give it to me.”

Reuben sat quietly, thinking about what I’d just said.

“Did I tell you about all the times I told Augustus we were done?”

He raised an eyebrow. “No.”

“Every little mistake, I thought ‘this is it, I fucked up too bad, he’s going to kick me out.’ I’d tell him I was leaving. He literally had to lock me in my room a few times. Several times when I had really bad breakdowns, I tried to break up with him. He refused. Straight up wouldn’t let me. After a while, I believed him. I knew, even if I blew things out of proportion, he would still be there for me. I trusted that even if I tried to leave, he’d keep me. That’s the only way I was able to open up to him, because I knew he wouldn’t kick me out...”

“And then he did.”

I nodded, swallowing hard and trying not to think about it. It still hurt, the betrayal of his action.

“The worst part is, he did the right thing. I know he did. He sent me away before he could fail me. And if he had tried to talk to me about it, and come up with a solution together, I probably would have just left. He was in a wheelchair; he couldn’t stop me. At least since he did it in secret, he had the time to plan and get me a new job, an apartment, and some money. He could help me start over. He knew it would break my heart... but at least he could still take care of me while my heart was broken.”

Reuben didn’t answer me. He was staring at me with those dark deep eyes that seemed to drag me in like black holes. His beard and mustache had filled out a lot more over the past few days, and I could barely see his mouth.

“And yes, I am fully aware that I need therapy.”

He huffed like he was hiding a laugh.

“I’ve been talking to Lisa,” I said. “She’s been giving me some books to read. But it’s hard to stay focused. I get easily distracted and time gets away from me.”

“ADHD, right?” he asked. “Do you take anything for that?”

“I was taking Adderall, but... I stopped.”

“Why?”

“I was mad about it.”

“Alice...”

“I know. Bad reason.”

“Do you want to continue talking to Lisa? Or are you going to call Becca?”

I liked Lisa, but Becca understood me a little better, and understood my needs and my tastes. “I’ll call Becca,” I said.

“Good. I’m going to follow up with her on whether she’s heard from you,” he said, giving me a serious look. “I’m going to give you some books to read as well, if you’re up for it.”

I smiled. “I’ll try.”

“Good... now. We need to talk about your safewords and your punishments.”

Why was I so excited about this?

“I need you to understand two things, Alice. One, I will always respect your safeword. But two, if you use your safeword inappropriately, I cannot trust you enough to play. That is a hard limit for me, with the exception of a therapeutic consensual nonconsent scene, which we can consider a little later.

“Your safeword keeps yousafe; it doesn’t give you what you want. It tells me you’re in trouble, that I fucked up. I won’t play without one. Even Megan had one while she was my slave, which is out of the ordinary for a Master-slave dynamic. It is the founding principle I play by. You can use it at any time, for any reason... But I cannot allow you to manipulate me with your safeword or use it to control me. Do you understand?”

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