Page 70 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Alice, what are you talking about?”

“But you won’t make a move. Is it because you forgot I’m legal now? I’m nineteen. You won’t get in trouble.”

I reached my hand up, planning to set it on his chest. He caught my wrist, preventing me from touching him, and placed my hand back in my lap. Then he stood up from the couch.

“Babygirl, I’m not going to... do that. That’s not what this is about. It’s never been about that.”

My body burned with humiliation, and I felt myself go pink. “But... you do love me. You said love is one of those things that isn’t a feeling, so you can trust it. Because it doesn’t change day to day or go away over time, it just gets bigger and bigger. Youknowit, you don’tfeelit. It’s different. And Iknowyou love me.” My eyes watered as I spoke.

“Of course I love you, Alice. How could I not?” He stepped away from me just a little and paced as he spoke. It was a habit of his. “You’re pretty, and you’re funny, and you’re smart and brave, and a hard worker, and so sharp it makes my head spin sometimes. And you make me laugh, which is something I never had with anyone else. I looked forward to our conversations at the gas station every day because you always made me smile. And I love you, and I love all those things about you. But you’re nineteen, babygirl, and I’m almostfifty. I’m old enough to be your father.”

“You can be my Daddy,” I smiled. “You’re good at it.”

He put his hand over his forehead, then shook his head as he looked at me again. “Alice, we are not having sex. It’s completely out of the question.”

It felt like a slap in the face.

He loved me, he said so. And he said I was pretty. And I could tell that he liked my body, because sometimes I caught him looking at my breasts and my hips. So why didn’t he want me?

I got up and left the room, tears running down my face, unable to speak. My therapist always said when I was hurt and confused, I should step away and calm down, and not say anything hurtful, or do anything unkind, because it would just be a bigger mess to clean up later. So I did exactly that: I got up, went to my room, and cried into my pillow until I felt dizzy and I couldn’t feel my tongue.

He came in an hour later with a glass of water and set it on my nightstand. I was staring out the window, sitting on my hands and trying to make them go numb. He sat at the edge of my bed, as far away from me as he could get but still in the room.

“I’ve never wanted anyone before,” I whispered. “You know that?”

Yes, I was trying to make him feel guilty. Because he hurt me. He loved me, and he wanted me, but he didn’twantto want me. And that felt just as bad as disgust.

“All the other times, it’s been because I had to, or because I wanted something else. Even in high school, when I tried having sex with some of the boys at school, I didn’t really want to, I just liked it when they looked at me and paid attention to me.

“But you’re different. You make me happy, and you make me want to be with you. Isn’t that enough for you?” I turned around to face him. He looked miserable, devastated that he’d upset me. “What more do I have to be for you? Why am I not enough?”

“I know you’re saying that to hurt me, Alice. I’m not caving on this. It would be wrong. You know that! You’re almost thirty years younger than me, and I’m your boss. I’m not taking advantage of you like that.”

“You’re more than my boss and you know it!” I shouted. “You’re... you’re mine!”

“Don’t you shout at me,” he snapped, standing up abruptly. “I’ve given you everything you have with absolutely no expectation in return other than you do your best and become the best person you can be. And you’ve done that. And I’m so incredibly proud of you. You’re more of a daughter to me than any of my kids ever were. And yes, I adore you. You are enough for me. I love you, Alice. But I’m not going to sleep with you!”

I could see the war behind his eyes. He wanted to. Badly. He wanted to cave to his desires, and grab me and hold me tight, and take me to bed. But he felt so damn guilty about our ages. I knew that was the only reason.

All my life, I had alwaysreacted. I responded to other people coming to me, doing things to me, or trying to get things from me. Suddenly, the solution seemed so obvious.

Turn the tables. Act first. Take what you want.

Augustus had already proven to me that he loved me, and that he wasn’t going to send me away when I got over emotional and went a little crazy, or when I was obnoxious or rude. And he was always telling me that if I found something I wanted, I needed to go for it. Take the bull by the horns and ride it.

Well, I knew what I wanted, and I’d be damned if I let thirty years keep me from riding it.

“Fine,” I shrugged and turned away from him, looking back out the window. “Whatever.”

He stood by my bedside table where he’d jumped to his feet, waiting for me to say something else, but I didn’t. Not tonight. Not ever. I wasn’t ever going to ask him again. I was going to make him instead.

I reached down and grabbed the hem of my shirt, pulling it off in one smooth movement and tossing it onto the chair in the corner. Turning to face him, I reached behind me and unhooked my bra, saying, “I’m tired, I’m going to bed.”

I watched his face as I dropped my bra. His eyes were glued to me, and his face went red. I saw him get hard in his jeans.

When I reached down to unbuckle my own jeans, he turned on his heel and practically ran from the room.

I didn’t feel good about the whole situation, but I did feel vindicated. I was done asking him. He wouldn’t last long.

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