Page 44 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Part of me hoped Lindsay would find something; I craved a memory or a snippet that she could share with me. I picked up a sweater on the closet floor and brought it to my face, hopeful.

It smelled stale.

Lindsay shook her head after a moment. “Sorry, Reuben... it’s all gone.”

I left the room to get a box.

Lindsay and I packedup Robin’s belongings in less than an hour, leaving the room stripped completely bare save the mattress and the furniture. There were a few things I chose to set aside: a few specific drawings with letters written on them, her AristoCat, her journal, some photographs, and the leash she wore attached to her collar when we were out and about. I put it all in a shoebox and shoved it into the trunk of my car to bring back to Cullowhee, wondering if I would ever be able to look through it again.

My brain felt foggy as we boxed up the rest. My body was on auto-pilot, and my mind was assaulted with memories.

I remembered so many things about Robin. I remembered giving her the cute Mary-Jane style shoes that sat at the foot of the bed. They were the first pair of brand new shoes she’d ever received, or perhaps the first she remembered receiving. She’d hugged them to her chest. Another moment flashed to mind: the time I laid with her on the white eyelet bedspread, holding her against my chest while she had a panic attack, trying to calm her down. Another time, I’d snuck into her room on Christmas morning to wake her up, only to find she’d spent all night coloring and drawing Christmas trees in her journal. She could barely open her eyes and I’d had to carry her out of her room to see the presents under the tree. Her sweet voice echoed in my head, and I remembered the first words she’d ever spoken to me, out loud, when she finally regained enough bravery to let her voice be heard.“You came for me.”

Lindsay didn’t normally show any emotion besides being excited about hurting people, so it was strange to see her quiet and subdued while we boxed up Robin’s belongings. I was sure she was feeding off my own emotions, and I regretted dragging her into this whole mess. But when we were finished, she looked at me and smiled sadly.

“I’m glad you let me help you with this. I know it’s been weighing on you.”

“I’ve been putting it off for a while.”Six years isn’t a while. It’s over half a decade.

“Sometimes, clearing out the old makes space for the new...” she cocked her head. “At least, that’s what I told myself when I killed my dad.” Before I could ask about that statement, she shook herself as if to clear the memories from her head. “Anyway,” she put on her usual snarky smile and slapped me on the shoulder as she passed. “See you later? We’re picking up a new shipment of girls next week.”

“We’ll be ready.”

Chapter 11

Itried, I really did.

For the next few weeks, I was remarkably good. I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t look at him, and I only bratted Scott and Brian. Cat got the brunt of my whining, but she took it in stride.

It wasn’t because I didn’t like him, or because he’d upset me. It wasn’t because I didn’t relish the feeling of his hand around my throat and the way he’d growled into my face. No, actually those few moments we’d shared became a mental vacation I could take whenever I needed to. And Ireallywanted more. Every time I saw him after that, I could tell he was listening, waiting, measuring my behavior and waiting for me to act up so he could step in.

But I just couldn’t walk through that door.

I don’t do casual. I don’t do once-a-week playtime. I am an all-or-nothing, twenty-four seven, total power-exchange kind of person.

That was the exact situation I had run away from, the reason I was living out of my car with a scar on my neck where a metal collar had cut into my skin as I pulled away. And I couldn’t willingly walk into that again. That wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t even know if I wanted another Dom again, let alone someone as serious as Reuben. After all, every serious relationship I’d ever had ended in disaster.

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