Page 332 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I felt my shoulders fall, and he stroked my hair. “It’s so pretty.”

“It is.”

A random burst of anger jarred me. I was somehow furious that he’d given me the body collar instead of the leather one. But that didn’t make sense. That wasn’t logical. Was it?

“I can’t think straight,” I said slowly. “I’m all...” the words I needed didn’t line up, so I just bit my lip and put my hands on either side of my head, squeezing. I was so frustrated.

“I think we need to go upstairs and step back from–”

I shook my head. “No, please, I want to– I need to– I hurt, and I can’t think, and I’m going to... explode.” He looked like he was going to argue, so I reached up and grabbed his tie, pulling him forward the last few inches I needed to kiss him. It threw him off long enough for me to mumble against his mouth, “Please, Sir, please clear my head out. Drain me... hurt me. Please.”

He grabbed my ponytail and jerked my head back, staring me down. I could not read his expression. “Why is that bag on the counter?”He motioned to the whip I’d set aside.

Because it was in the way of the collar.

Because I wanted to see what was inside.

Because I bet it would be beautiful in your hands.

“Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”

He stared at me for a long time, looking me right in the eye with an unwavering intensity. I couldn’t hold his gaze. Sighing, he shook his head, and replaced the bag in the drawer. “We can talk about this more later. I’m not whipping you today.”

My relief was almost palpable. Partially because I didn’t want him to, and partially because I did.

“Alice. Look at me.Now.” At his tone, I looked up at him without a second thought. “You cannot lie to me about these things. You’ll be punished for that later.”

Instantly I felt regret. I should have told him the whole truth. “It’s true though. I don’t want to be scared. I do want to talk about it. I hoped...”

“No hoping. Discussion, then equal consent, then careful planning. Like we do for everything.Especiallywhen we change a hard limit. Alice, why do you think I made you a piece of jewelry instead of giving you that collar?” There was a hint of irritation in his voice.

I tried to look away but he grabbed my chin again and forced me to look at him. “Because you said no collars. Why would I ever break that promise to you? How could I? How can I promise to keep you safe, that I’ll respect your limits, and then break a hard limit just because I think you’d look pretty with a piece of bondage that I saw in a dream?

“I dream about that piece around your neck every fucking night, and Iwantto see you in it. I swear I do. But I’ll be damned if I break you. Fuck that, Alice!” His voice rose as he spoke, and I felt spittle fly against my face. He gestured wildly with his other hand to the surrounding room. “I’d give all this shit up to not break you! I will not–” he choked and turned his head away, closing his eyes for a moment and clenching his fist.

Taking a deep breath, he looked up at me again and said softly, “I willnotbe one of those assholes who breaks their most prized possession. No matter how deep and how dark we go... I will not break you. I could not live with myself.”

“But I want to be broken.” I couldn’t even say the words, I just mouthed them. My throat was thick and I could barely breathe.

He spoke softly to me, holding my face like I was made of glass. “No, you don’t. Alice, beautiful girl... I’ve seenbroken.”

His eyes narrowed and then he squeezed them shut. A moment of breathing and focus, and he opened them again, the hint of tears in his eyes, pushed back down and swallowed by the Beast that fought for control over him.

“You don’t want to be broken, my love. You want to be alive. You want to bewhole. You want to beseen. You want to be felt, to be experienced. To be loved for who you are, and not mocked for what you aren’t. You want to be cherished, respected, and valued. You want to be opened up and explored, to be dissected and known to the fullest extent. You want to know your place and your role in the world, and in the universe. You want to feel where you fit. You want boundaries and a box around your soul, keeping you on track so you don’t fall off the deep end or spiral out of control and lose yourself. That’s not being broken, phoenix. That’s beinghome. That’s safety, little bug.”

I think, in that moment, I understood how badly he needed me, and why he loved me so much. Becauseheneeded those things. He was exactly the same as me. He felt seen and loved and needed when he let himself out on me. He felt valued when I loved him anyway. He needed the boundaries of my hard limits so he could work within the box. He needed to cherish and respect me, so that I could cherish and respect him back.

“Reuben Weston...take me home.”

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