Page 313 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Chapter 66

God I hate my life. And myself. And Pete.

I burned with hate. Simmered with it.

I hated fucking asshole lawyers who were willing to hurt others for their own gain, and cops who would rather stay on good terms with said lawyers than do the right thing. I hated jerks on the internet who judged people without understanding them. I hated myself for being the kind of person to scream and rage and throw shit at the only person who I loved.

Reuben sat on the floor with me, holding me in his strong embrace, my back pressed against his belly.

My bear.

I couldn’t lie about it anymore. I felt it when I looked at him, when I thought about him. When, even in the midst of throwing pillows and laundry at him, and screaming and slamming the door, and pushing him away, it was all I could do not to throw myself at his feet and wrap my arms around his leg, sobbing from the sheer relief that I had someone who would always take care of me.

He did love me. Because here I was, sitting on the floor, staring out the window, waiting for the sun to set so I could find my fucking place in the world, burning with hate and fury and love and fear, and shaking with the effort to keep myself alive... and he was holding me together, so I wouldn’t have to do it myself.

I burst into tears. Without saying a word, he tightened his grip around me, kissing my temple, my cheek, my neck, and the top of my head, breathing deeply and steadily as if to remind me to match his breaths. I tried to breathe with him. Eventually, my tears dried up, and we were back to silence.

I couldn’t talk yet. I was still too full. There was too much to process.

Memories assaulted me. It was a weird combination of good and bad; good memories from last week in the mountains, squirreled away in his house in the middle of nowhere. The memory of our picnic by the lake; of the day he took me to Asheville with Sophie and bought me a Starbucks tumbler with glitter all over it; the night he’d taken me to the observatory to see the stars, and I’d stood there in awe for so long that he’d had to drag me back into the car to go home...

And of course, our time together in his dungeon, where he’d literally used a power drill and hardware to attach me to a wall so he could play with me.

Those memories were mixed with the memories of when Peter Woodrow had found out Augustus was dying, and I’d had a very similar breakdown. His answer had been to tie me face-down to the bed and let me scream myself out... while he whipped my back and my ass until I bled.

Then there was the day when I’d told him I needed space, but he’d insisted I come over and stay over for my session, because he wanted to help me. He’d ended up using my mouth and my ass as his own personal fleshlight, and then making me lay across his lap and cockwarm him while he played videogames.

And at the time, I’d thought it was him being good to me. When I’d complained, he’d tried to explain that he was doing it for me, to take my mind off my troubles and focus on him. And I’d believed him. But now... now it just made me hate him more. Because he hadn’t just taken advantage of me; he’d known I didn’t trust myself or my emotions. He’d known I didn’t know what a good Dom was like, and he’d taken advantage of that ignorance.

Not like Reuben. Reuben had educated me, forgiven me for my toxic, abusive behavior, and continued to care for me and teach me, even though he definitely should have kicked my ass out by now. He had put down his own boundaries with me and taught me to respect them. And he loved me, even though I was a monster.

But despite my terror, my self-hatred, and my uselessness, this moment was the most precious moment I could ask for. Because instead of dragging me by the hair down to his playroom and beating me until I was empty because I was inconvenient to deal with, he had called me out, given me the space I’d asked for, and then followed through on his word. He came into my room and sat with me, hugging me and making sure I didn’t do anything stupid, like kill myself or try to break up with him.

He does love me. How the fuck?

We had only known each other for such a short time. Can you fall in love with someone that fast? It had taken me almost two years to realize I was in love with Augustus.

But had it taken two years? Or just two years to admit to it? Or two years to realize it?

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

I shrugged.

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