Page 312 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I refused to stop.

I gave her two more before she passed out, her mouth going slack and her head falling sideways. My face felt like it would split open with how hard I was smiling. I was euphoric, ecstatic. I felt like I was flying. I felt like a god. I took her face in my other hand and held her chin securely, whispering to her and kissing her cheek until she woke up, her eyes blearily meeting mine. She smiled at me, sweetly, with affection in her eyes.

Then I thrust my fingers back inside her pussy and forced her to come again.

The rest of our timein Cullowhee went by too fast. Alice and I had some kind of play or banter every day, and I found myself standing taller and breathing easier. We spent time at the Valley House with our friends as often as possible. One evening we had Sophie and Mark over for dinner, though I lost track of what day of the week it was and had to throw something together at the last minute. All too soon, our vacation was up, and we were headed back to DC.

I was used to the transition from vacation time to full-blown work, but she was not. Within a few days of being back, she was losing her mind and annoying the absolute fuck out of me. She ate what she wanted, refused to do her chores, snapped back, rolled her eyes, and acted like a little bitch during our morning ritual, which had fallen to shit.

Currently, she was refusing to fold laundry, and shouting.

“You never pay any attention to me! You don’t even like me!”

“Alice, you’re being ridiculous. We just had a ten-day vacation where I did nothing but pay attention to you!”

“You fucking asshole! You left me alone all day today!”

“I told you to get out of the house and have lunch with your girlfriends! Why did you stay inside?”

“Because I can’t stand up straight without pain right now! And you won’t do anything about it because you don’t fucking care about me!” She bundled up a t-shirt and hurled it at me. It opened up as it fell to the floor four feet from where I stood.

She’d never had a tantrum this bad, and I knew it was her hurting, not bratting. I tried to stay calm. “Alice, I can’t spend every minute of every day with you. I know it’s hard after ten days of my undivided attention, but I need you to try to understand. You’re out of control right now because of a lot of factors, and you’re being unreasonable.”

“Unreasonable my ass!” She stomped back to her room and slammed her door. A moment later I heard her scream into her pillow.

Ugh. This is why I’m not a daddy. How do I even begin to deal with this kind of behavior?Feeling like a complete failure, I knocked on the door. “Baby, please–”

“I need you to leave me alone while I freak out in peace!”

Freak out? Oh. So that’s what this was about. This isn’t really about me. It was about Pete.

We got a call our firstday back in town. Woodrow had taken a plea bargain and was scheduled for sentencing in three weeks. Due to his attempt to relocate, he was now under house arrest with a monitor on his ankle and a rookie cop parked outside his house. The news that he’d negotiated a guilty plea on multiple counts of assault, but zero counts of rape, had pissed everyone off, but had angered Alice the most.

It was made worse by the fact that her period had started on the day we drove home from the mountains. She’d warned me that her cycles were bad due to her physical and mental disorders, but I hadn’t ever seen her this bad.

I called back through Alice’s shut door. “I’m going to check on you in an hour.”

“Fine!” More screaming. Feeling like a completely useless and neglectful asshole, I left her in there to cry herself out. I couldn’t exactly discipline her for being upset, and I didn’t want to invade her personal space. The poor girl was stuck with me all the time because she didn’t have a job other than caring for me and didn’t have anywhere else to live.Sure, I could have given her a job, providing her with space and independence, but she’d said early on in our negotiations that she hadn’t wanted that. She wanted to be here with me. She’d wanted to serve me. Selfishly, I’d accepted that, whether it was the right thing for her or not.

Too hard, too fast.

Or maybe not,I thought. I remembered Alice telling me about the day Cat had come running up to her room to keep her from cutting. How many of those visions had Inotgotten because Alice was with me instead of alone in a little apartment during her freak-outs?

I texted Becca, explaining the situation. As a response, she sent me a link to an article written by a girl with Borderline, describing a single week of emotional mood swings and frustrations. Becca added a comment under her text.A lot of this has to do with her cycle. When she comes out of her rage, she’ll feel guilty. She’ll need aftercare... and you will need to explain to her that you need it too.

I thanked her, and then attempted to return to my work until Alice’s promised hour was up, but I got nothing done. Eventually I poured the promised water, adding a splash of juice, and snuck into her room.

She was sitting at her window on the floor, legs crossed. Her damp, makeup-stained pillow sat beside her. She was staring out the window with a dead look on her face.

I sat beside her and handed her the water. She pushed my hand away. Setting the glass on the ground, I pulled her into my lap, and then tried again.

She sipped on the water, staring out the window, refusing to acknowledge me. I wasn’t sure if I was helping her at all, but I could at least make sure she wasn’t alone.

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