Page 291 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I answered without hesitation. “Daily.”

I missed her smile, the way she laughed, the way she’d twirl around when she got excited, and how her voice would raise in octaves when she saw a dog or a kitty or a butterfly.

Although, it hadn’t been so bad lately... I’d been distracted by a nutty little fox.

There was a photo of her in a beautiful blue ball gown, her hair done up like a princess. She accompanied me to a fundraiser gala that night, and I’d barely managed to sit down at all because she’d wanted to dance the whole time. There was one of us at the zoo, me holding the leash on her collar while she pointed out the animals. She liked to tease me and call me a giraffe. There was also one of her in the aviary, laughing wildly as two parakeets and a caique sat on her head, nibbling at her hair and ears.

“You loved her,” Alice said, putting the photos back. She unfolded a piece of paper, staring at the drawing of a stick man and a stick girl holding hands. “I can tell by the way you were looking at her in the photos.”

“I did.”

I had loved her dearly, and yet, it was my fault she was dead. I could have done something to prevent Robin’s death; all I needed to do was listen. All I needed to do was obey, and set my pride aside for once, and Robin would still be alive. And that was something I would never forgive myself for.

What would that have meant for Alice and I? If Robin were still alive, and I found Alice, would they even get along?

It didn’t matter. Because she was dead.

“You said something a few months ago... about how sometimes, the girls think they’re in love with their masters because they mistake trust and safety as love. Did she think that?”

“Yes. She loved me back.”

She hesitated. “Did you guys...”

“No. She did try once,” I said. “A few times, actually.” I set the box of photos on the coffee table and leaned my back against the couch.

Alice turned sideways and laid her head in my lap, her hair spilling over my legs like a waterfall black as ink. I couldn’t keep my hands out of her hair if I tried.

“What happened?”

“You really want to hear this?”

“I’m curious. I won’t be mad.”

“She approached me in the shower after a very stressful day. Early in our dynamic, I’d given her baths as a way to try to get her to trust me, and also to apply medicine for her infections. She... attempted to pleasure me.”

I remembered the look in her eyes. She’d been so scared, her hands shaking and her eyes full of fear. But she’d bravely climbed into the shower and taken the soap from my hands to wash me in return. I’d stopped her when she’d set the soap down and had tried to kneel in front of me.

“What did you do?”

“I washed her hair, wrapped her in a towel, and we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie.”

“Was she upset?”

“Yes. She cried a lot. I think she thought I was unhappy with her. She wasn’t talking at that point... it was only a few months in. I hadn’t even learned her name yet.

“She tried again months later. She was braver and knew I wouldn’t hurt her. But I stopped her again, and told her the truth... that I loved her, and that she was beautiful, but I would never use her body.”

I stroked Alice’s hair again, and she grabbed my other hand and set it on her cheek. I let my thumb run over her lips.

“Were you ever tempted? Did you ever want her?”

I had asked myself that question many times. “She was beautiful. Sometimes she kissed my fingers, or my hand, or my cheek... But the idea always felt wrong. Our dynamic was about me taking care of her. I was her Daddy, not her partner.”

“You’d be a good Daddy.”

“I was ashitDaddy,” I spat back, and I knew it sounded meaner than I meant it. But it was true. I traveled a lot and worked late nights and needed a second submissive just to take care of her.Fuck. I hadn’t even managed to keep her alive.

Suddenly I had the urge to push Alice off my lap and leave my own house before I did or said something hurtful to her. The last thing she needed right now was me snapping at her. “We need to drop this conversation,” I said. Wallowing in my self-hatred wasn’t going to get us anywhere.

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