Page 285 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Reuben: I think you may be right.

Reuben: Do you feel better?

I lay down on the grass beside my brat-scope and stared up at the sky, wishing I was floating up there surrounded by stars and planets and comets. Did I feel better after looking up into the galaxy? Always. But I was pretty sure he was talking about last night.

Alice: Yes... a little. Sorry I took off.

Alice: I freaked out. And I was spiraling and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think. I just had to get out of the house.

Alice: I’m sure you’re mad at me. And I deserve to be punished for it.

Reuben: I’m not mad. And this was a breakdown, not disobedience, so I’m not going to punish you. But I was very, very worried. Alice, I understand if you have to get away. But please, next time, just tell me, and keep your phone on so I know you’re not hurt, or dead.

I felt horribly guilty for what I’d done to him. He’d been nothing but good to me. He cared about me, he took care of me... for whatever reason, loving or otherwise. And I’d pretty much just been awful to him through our entire dynamic.

I’m such garbage. I can’t do anything right. I just wish my brain would turn off for a while and I could just... be.

He could do that for me. He could turn my brain off with a word.

But I was too fucking scared to let him have that power over me. So instead, I just lay in the grass, staring up at the sky, pretending I was floating in space.

A low howl jerked me back to earth. One of the huge wolves Alex befriended sat just a few paces away from me. It stared up at the sky too, singing out like it was begging the moon to return. The long, somber wail tapered off, only to be picked up by another dog somewhere off in the distance.

The animal approached me and sniffed at me. I was a weird, painful combination of scared, numb, apathetic, and furious. I couldn’t move as it pressed its nose into my shoulder. It smelled faintly of something tangy and gamey, like it had just eaten something raw. It was dirty, but not muddy or bloody. Satisfied with my scent, it sat back down and laid its head on its paws, listening to the rest of its pack continuing its song.

Lone Wolf and I stared up at the sky a little bit longer. My phone buzzed again, and I saw another text from Reuben.

Reuben: Are you still awake?

Alice: Yes. I’m outside looking at the sky, hanging out with a wolf.

Reuben: I see.

Alice: Why are you awake? It’s midnight.

Reuben: Can’t sleep.

Early in our relationship, he’d said he hated coming home to a big empty house. Maybe he was feeling the loneliness tonight. Even though we hadn’t slept in the same room or bed more than a few times, we’d still lived together for about three months straight.

Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep tonight. Because it felt weird to be away from him.

All the more reason not to go back.

But my star room...I clutched my head in frustration.

Alice: I need to move out of the valley house. They’re running out of rooms.

Reuben: You have a room here, you know.

Alice: Yeah. That’s probably a good plan.

Reuben: Why don’t I come by tomorrow and help you pack?

Alice: Okay.

Reuben: Go to sleep, little fox. I’ll see you in the morning.

At his kind but direct order, a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I suddenly felt exhausted. With a sigh, I packed up my telescope and headed back inside to attempt to get some sleep, listening to the wolves sing goodbye as I trudged back into the house.

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