Page 280 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Which actually makes sense, when I think about it. After Scarlett died, the only thing I was good for was abusing. Mom abused me, yelling at me and telling me it was my fault. Dad abused me, hitting me to get his anger out and then making me suck off his dealer. I felt neglected when they ignored me. It wasn’t a relief, it was hurtful. I felt invisible. I’d rather have their abuse than their kindness. Mordecai abused me, using me like a sex toy. Did Augustus use me? Cheap labor and a cute little girl by his side for court dates?

I don’t know, and I don’t fucking care anymore. The only man I love and care about is Reuben Weston, and I don’t know if he loves me back, or if he just loves power.

Megan said it was power that gets him off. That’s why he doesn’t want to come. Because he loves power... not me.

And now... he’s never going to let me go...

But he’s the best Dom I’ve ever had...

And he listens, and he cares...

What the fuck.

I need to get out of this house.

I shook my head in astonishment, rereading the journal entry several times before carefully setting it back exactly the way it was. Crossing to her bed, I looked down at her.

No wonder she’d taken off. She was fucking terrified. The idea that someone she trusted could trigger her, could force her into giving up more power than she felt safe giving me... that was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I wanted her safe and happy, choosing to submit to me because she wanted to, not because she was scared.

I went too hard, too fast.

I did everything too hard, too fast. This whole dynamic, this whole relationship, was too hard, too much, too fast for someone who was traumatized. What the fuck did I expect?

I left her bedroom, shutting the door behind me and leaning against it, trying to figure out what to do. I stood there for a long time before I gathered the guts to return to the living room.

Pouring myself a hefty dose of Woodford Rye, I checked my phone. People had asked if I’d located Alice, and I replied to each and every one that she was fine, and we’d just had a miscommunication.

Simon: Did she ask about the trigger?

Reuben: Yes. She said no more triggers and no hypno.

Simon: Just checking. She was scared about saying it.

Reuben: I know that now. I can see how it was too intense.

Simon: You know she’s in love with you, right?

Reuben: Yes.

Simon: I warned you months ago, Weston. If you claim your goal is to help all those girls, but you use her and hurt her... I’m fucking out. Out of the program, and out of your life.

Reuben: I wouldn’t blame you, and I’d hate myself more than you would ever hate me. You’re right; all I want to do is help her. But I love her, Pierce. And I’m struggling not to get swept up in that.

Simon: You can love her without scaring her. Give her time and a ton of patience, Reuben. If anyone can handle her, it’s you. She’ll get it together for you. I fucking hate destiny, but she’s yours.

Simon: And I called that shit years ago, btw. You owe me a hundred bucks.

Reuben: I’ll have it wired right over.

I shook my head in shock. Simon was a smart guy and had hit the nail on the head once again. It was hard not to get swept up in love and frenzy and pleasure and pain. But I had to remember what I wanted more. And that was for Alice to be her best, most amazing self, and for her to feel safe with me. My reasons were partially selfish, because I knew that she wasn’t afraid of my darkness, and I desperately needed someone who saw me, and needed me as I was.

No, Alice wasn’t afraid of my darkness. She was afraid of mylight.

I could take the easy way out. Stay in the dark with her, keep her swallowed up in ecstasy and subspace. But I’d never be able to live with myself. Because that was no better than me turning into the very thing I fought against.

I thought back to her journal entry. She was right, I had set some money aside for her in the account Lindsay had provided, and was paying for her therapy, and her prescriptions. I was trying to help her through her trauma. And yes, I did love the control I had over her.

But only because I thought she wanted me to have it.

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