Page 273 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Oh God.

He loves me.

Tears fell on the paper, smudging the ink. I scrubbed at my face, forcing myself to keep writing, to breathe, to let myself feel what I needed to feel so I could at least figure it out.

He loves me, and I think I might love him back.

That makes no sense. It’s only been three months. We barely know each other.

But is it three months? We met in July of last year. And even though it took a while for us to get going...

He’s attached to me. He has always been, because of his vision. When he says he’s not going to let me go...he actually fucking means it.

Megan was right... he is dangerous. He’s never going to let me go, and he has so much power over me that he could get me to do anything, take anything. And it’s only going to get worse.

What if I don’t love him? What if I justthinkI love him? Like he said, about the girls who fall in love with their Masters? What if he’s just safe, and I love the safety?

But is he safe? Is he controlling me? He said he would never break my boundaries, and he tells me that he only has as much power as I give him, but is that really true if he can make me give him more just with a few spoken words?

And does he actually love me? What if he doesn’t love me, he just loves the control he has over me? What if all he wanted was to tame me? To make me a good girl like I was in that video? A useless, drooling, doormat of a girl who does whatever anyone says so, who drops to her knees with a flick of a wrist and sucks a cock at a word, because that’s the only thing I’m good for. I’m a useless slut, a dirty whore...

The more I wrote, the more I felt myself start to fall. I fell into a place I hadn’t been in a long time. I was spiraling out of control, my skin burning and my blood itching to escape from my body. I knew it, and I hated it, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Dropping my pen, I held my head in my hands and tried to breathe.

I had to decide what to do.I could call him. I could text him and tell him I’m freaking out; he’d call me and... and what? Trigger me again? And then this whole cycle would just repeat itself?

Was he brainwashing me and controlling me? That much was obvious. He practically had superpowers over my mind and my actions. And he had warned me from the beginning, saying, “That’s a hell of a lot of power you’re giving me, and you don’t trust me yet.”

Do I trust him not to hurt me?

I heard the front door open.

My mind was torn in two different directions. Half of me was ecstatic that he was back, and I wanted to run to him and fall into his big, warm, safe embrace. The other half of me wanted to disappear, to run out the back door and drive away. I needed to get out of here because I was too confused to be able to make a decision right now.

I looked down at the words on the page. My handwriting had gone from neat and orderly, to strained, and then to panicked.

I have to get out of here.

I took a deep breath, turned my cell phone off, plastered a smile on my face, and went out into the hall.

He smiled when he saw me, his eyes slowly grazing me. “Wearing clothes today?”

“I’ve beensupergood,” I said, hoping my voice wasn’t too crazy.

“You have beensupergood. Have you decided what you’d like?”

“French fries.” It was the first thing that popped out of my mouth. And once I said it, I realized I really did want them. I hadn’t had fries in a long time. “Long shoestring fries, fresh, hot, and salty. With some mayonnaise.”

His forehead creased, his bushy brows growing closer together. “Mayonnaise?”

“Just a small size. I just really want French fries today.”

“And you want to ruin them with mayonnaise?”

“No, Sir, I want toenhancethem with mayonnaise. It’s a thing!”

He looked dubious, raising a single eyebrow. “Just because it’s a thing doesn’t make itgood.”

“How have you traveled Europe and not had fries and mayonnaise?”

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