Page 257 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I cannot lose her.Alice could be the sweetest, the most selfless, thoughtful woman. She made me laugh, she was someone I looked forward to coming home to at night, and she looked the beast in the eyes and loved him. The thought of losing the brightness she brought to my life and going back to the quiet, boring, infuriating isolation I’d put myself through before made my hands shake. My eyes burned, and watered.

Fuck. It hadn’t been a promise. It was a warning after all.

Finally she sent her message.

Alice: I know you do. That’s why I hate you.

Alice: Do you hate me?

Reuben: No.

I knew part of this was my fault. I’d told her from the beginning I didn’t care if she loved me or hated me, that I only cared if she obeyed. But somehow, that had changed. The more I’d gotten to know her, the more I understood her suffering and her need to be loved, the more I wanted to fill that need.

I’d been the one to tell her I could give her a dynamic and not a relationship, and now I was suffering because I was emotionally invested when I hadn’t planned to be, and she didn’t want to be.

Reuben: But I wish you didn’t hate me. That’s why it hurts.

Alice: I don’t hate you, dumbass.

I stared at that last message, searing it into my eyes until the colors started to reverse. Eventually, another message came through.

Alice: Can we go back?

Reuben: Where?

Alice: To me sitting on the counter.

My face contorted and I squeezed my eyes shut as I remembered that night. The sweetness of her tongue and the soft whimpers she’d made as I’d taken her mouth, and the way she’d melted against my touch. The way she’d looked at me, starry-eyed and full of appreciation. The way she’d cried and hugged my neck when I told her I wasn’t going to let her go.

She’s scared. Pierce was right. This isn’t about me. She’s just scared.This is about control.

I knew if it were anyone else, this week would have been the end. Hell, the end would have happened so much earlier. I never would have tolerated that level of brattiness or rebellion in the past. I knew the only reason I was still in this dynamic with Alice was because of that damn prophecy, and a commitment that I had made when she stood in front of me with tears in her eyes.

Could we go back? Not really. Emotionally, we were now in different places than we’d been that night, and we couldn’t just erase the past week.

Reuben: It doesn’t work that way, little bug. Neither of us can take back what we’ve said or done... but we can move forward if that’s what you want.

Alice: Yes. It’s what I want.

Reuben: Alice, the easy way out here is for me to just sadistically abuse you every time you start to lose control of yourself. And that might make you feel good for a few days at a time, but it is not going to put you any further ahead in the long run, it’s just going to hurt you and keep you from making progress. That’s not fair to either of us. You need to work on yourself, and although I adore you and I enjoy our sessions, I can’t have you use me like a vending machine whenever you need an outlet. I need you to stop trying to hurt me because you’re afraid, and TALK TO ME instead. Your fears are going to cripple you for the rest of your life if you can’t look them in the eye and tell them to fuck off.

Reuben: Can you do that? For you? For us?

Alice: Okay.

Alice: Yes Sir.

Alice: Goodnight, old man.

Reuben: Goodnight, sweetheart.

The next morning whenI got up, I noticed Alice’s bedroom door was cracked open. Nudging it slightly, I peered inside, expecting to see her twisted up in her sheets, her hair splayed out on the pillow, drooling a little like she always was in the morning.

Gone.

Trying not to panic, I looked around the room. Her telescope was still here, and so was most of her stuff. Her private journal sat open on the small desk, an empty water glass beside it.

Her keys and purse were on the dresser. Her cell phone charger was still plugged in.She wouldn’t have left those. So where is she?

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