Page 256 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Reuben: Helpful. Thanks.

Simon: It’s not you, man. That’s just how she is.

Reuben: What can I do? I don’t want to lock her in her room or cuff her to the bed overnight.

Simon: Let her go. It’ll suck, but she will come back. You might have to just let her go.

I didn’t like that answer, but I didn’t have anything else to say, so I let the conversation end on its own.

At least she went back into her room when I counted and was still respecting the basic foundations of our parameters.

I squeezed my temples and dug my fingernails into my scalp, wondering if I was even physically capable of crying anymore. I hadn’t done it in so long, I couldn’t even remember if it helped.

What the hell am I doing wrong? Why is it that I seem to be able to reach every girl who comes through my center, and every submissive I’ve ever had except her?

Was this a mistake? Should I have avoided Alice? Sent her away before we had the chance to let any of this happen?

Could I let her walk out that door? Would I really have gone after her, grabbed her, and locked her in her room?My stomach twisted at the idea. She was hurt and mentally ill, but she wasn’t insane. She was a consenting adult. Forcing her to stay against her will would be kidnapping. Pierce was right... if she walked out, I’d have no choice but to let her.

My phone buzzed again. I opened it, surprised to see a text from Alice.

Alice: Thank you.

Reuben: That hurt.

Alice: I know. I’m spiraling. I’m sorry and I hate myself for it. I wish I’d never even gotten out of bed this morning.

Alice: I know you hate me. I know I’m a shit. I told you that you deserve someone better than me. You didn’t fucking listen. This is your fucking fault.

Alice: No it’s not. I take it back. I’m sorry.

Reuben: Can I come in there?

Alice: I’d rather you not.

Reuben: Please prove to me that you are not doing anything dangerous or harmful to your body.

She sent me a photo of her lying in bed in her jeans and top. It didn’t show her face.As much as I’d rather be talking to her right now, at least we were communicating.

Reuben: Thank you. Do you want some water?

Alice: I have some.

I hesitated, wondering if I should send the message I wanted to ask. I typed it out, my finger hovering over the send button.Are you going to try to run away again?

But I deleted it. I couldn’t ask that question, because if she said yes, I’d be faced with the decision of how to keep her here, how to keep my promise, but not put either of us in a bad position.

If, on the other hand, I woke up and she was gone... as much as that would hurt, that would be on her. Not me.

Instead, I said,Do you want the rest of your dinner?

Alice: No thank you. I can’t eat anymore.

Reuben: Me neither.

Reuben: Do you really think I don’t care about you?

The typing bubble popped up and disappeared over and over again, and I closed my eyes, hating myself for how fucking furious I was at this whole situation. I felt like I’d completely lost all the progress and the trust I’d gained with her, and that I was on the verge of losing the whole dynamic, of losing her.

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