Page 249 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Do you want to tie me up and watch Space Cowboys?”

I found myself stroking her hair, running my fingers through it, twirling a piece around my finger. Why was she so pretty, anyway? This woman had been hand-formed by God himself just for me, and I’d spent the past few years avoiding her when she needed me the most.

“No.” I took another sip of the cocktail. Sweet, a little tart, and smoky from the bitters. I could taste the whiskey, and the bourbon from the aged wine.

“Do you want to... order a pizza and bully me a little?”

I drank a few more sips, wondering what I wanted... what I needed. I needed this day to be over. I needed to cook dinner and throw in a load of laundry so I had clean shirts tomorrow. I needed to check my calendar for tomorrow, and answer the emails I hadn’t gotten to today. I needed to check the Obedience app and make sure Alice had drank her water and done her chores.

But right now, I didn’t need to do any of that, because I had my girl in my arms.

“No, Alice, I just want to hold you right now.” I set the drink back on the table and put my hands on her. Tracing the line of the leather strap down her shoulder, under her breast, and around her chest, I watched a trail of goosebumps emerge on her skin.

“Okay. You can tell me when you feel like it. I mean, you don’t have to. But if you want to. You can. I can take care of you too, you know.”

“You do a great job, baby.”

She put her arms around my shoulders and looked me in the eye as she spoke. “I need to tell you something really important first though.”

I braced myself. “Okay.”

“You’re the best Dom I’ve ever had.”

I stared at her, shocked and speechless, my throat thick. She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

“I just realized it yesterday. No wait... the day before yesterday. When I was talking to Rachel. I was going to tell you yesterday but then I got distracted, and also had thirteen orgasms so it took a while before I could talk again. By then I kinda just forgot to tell you. But anyway, it’s true.” Then she tightened her arms around me and laid her head on my chest, snuggling up tight against me.

I found it hard to breathe regularly as her sweet comment ran through my head over and over again. I let out a long, deep breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

Alice looked up at me and then pulled back and looked at my face, looking distraught. “What’s wrong?”

“Thank you,” I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I needed to hear that today.”

Neither of us spoke as she stared back at me, occasionally reaching out and stroking my beard, or leaning forward and kissing me on the cheek. She shifted on my lap as if trying to tease me, a hint of that mischievous playfulness coming into her eyes, and I grunted.

“Little bug.”

“Bear.”

I felt my lips quirk at that. “Why do you call me that?”

“’Cause you’re warm and squishy.”

I rolled my eyes and playfully nudged her as if to push her off. She giggled and climbed off my lap, but then laid on the couch beside me with her head in my lap, her hair splayed out over my leg and the couch beside me. Thick, soft, and shiny, I couldn’t keep my hands out of it.

“’Cause you’re all growly and protective, and a little scary looking, and super dangerous, but I know you won’t hurt me.”

My fist tightened in her hair and she sighed and closed her eyes.

I know you won’t hurt me.

But what if I do?

I leaned my head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. My chest still felt tight and heavy. My self-hatred was simmering from that built up frustration, anger, and a hint of fear that had no escape.

Well, there was one escape. But I knew better than to take out my feelings on Alice. That wasn’t play. That was reckless, stupid, and abusive. And I couldn’t risk anything that would hurt my girl. Because God knows I’ve hurt enough girls. I could not add her to that list. I could not risk anything that would hurt her.

If one of us was getting destroyed, it had better be me.

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