Page 212 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Fine. Great,” I said, throwing my hands up and letting them fall. “Let’s do it. Whatever.” I grabbed a dish towel and dried my eyes. Reuben handed me my water cup that I’d been attempting to sip on all day, but I pushed it away. “No, I don’t want that, it tastes like dust.”

He looked into the cup. “I’ll get you some fresh water.”

My voice was harsh as I snapped at him. “I don’twantwater, it’sgross!”

His face hardened at my tantrum. I’d shouted louder than I meant to, what with my frustration building and my emotions nowhere to go. I clenched my hands into fists and dug my fingernails into my skin, squeezing my eyes and biting my lip.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut.

I hadn’t meant for him to ever see me like this. But why did I think we’d ever have a relationship where I didn’t have an emotional break? That’s what it was like with me. It came with the territory.

This is it. This is the part where he tells me we need a break, that I’m being a fake sub, that he doesn’t want to do this anymore.My hands went numb at the thought, and I couldn’t move for fear of the words coming out of his mouth.

He didn’t answer. When I finally got my breathing under control, I opened my eyes and looked at him.

He was staring at the cup of water, as if all the solutions to my problems were my hydration level. His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper.

“Go downstairs and wait for me by the cross.”

Tossing the dish towel aside, I stomped down the hallway and into the dungeon, slamming the door behind me.

Reuben came down abouttwenty minutes later. I was exploring the room, unable to keep myself from looking through the drawers and the boxes. It was mostly to distract myself from the emotions bubbling up inside me, threatening to make me want to dig my fingernails into my skin and tear myself to shreds.

When he came downstairs, he immediately approached me, took me by the wrist and dragged me to the bed in the corner of the room. Without speaking, he forced me to sit, and then sat beside me, turning to face me.

“Okay. Alice, I need to ask you a very serious question.”

I swallowed as he studied me but forced myself to nod.

“Do you really believe those things about yourself? Do you truly believe that your emotions don’t count and aren’t important? Or is that something you say to yourself sarcastically because you aren’t willing to admit how bad they hurt?”

I looked down at my hands. Did he have a point?Maybe. Maybe me saying my emotions were fake, a figment of my imagination, was because they were too painful for me to deal with, and my only solution was to refuse to admit they were real.

I stammered and rambled myself through an explanation to him, trying my best to explain my thoughts, but ending up at the same conclusion I started with.

“It’s just too much, and it doesn’t make sense that I feel this much. I know my reactions to things aren’t logical. I know I jump to conclusions and get hurt by stupid things that aren’t true. Like, upstairs I was pretty sure you were about to break up with me. Which might sound silly to you, but that’s what I thought. It’s easier to block it all out, ignore it, push it down, and then deal with the explosion when it comes. That’s why I use pain. If I have pain, like I said... it empties it all out.”

“I have no problem with you using pain,” he said, and his voice was soft, comforting. His tone had shifted to the voice he used when he was hypnotizing me, and I felt myself relax a little at the sound. “I love giving you what you need, and I love when you suffer for me. But baby, what are you going to do when you’re sixty, and you don’t heal as fast? What are you going to do when you’re seventy, and you dislocate a hip from being paddled, and have to go to the hospital? I’ll go to prison for assault, and you’ll be injured and on your own. Did you ever think about that?”

“Honestly, I hadn’t ever considered I’d live that long,” I shrugged.

He released a deep breath and covered his eyes with his hand, squeezing at his temples. “Well, I plan on you living that long,” he snapped, and his hand fell away. He looked a little pissed, and his anger escalated as he spoke. “Because I plan on living that long, and I want you by my side. I’ll be damned if I lose anyone else. I’ll be damned if I lose you.” His eyes flashed and he clenched his jaw.

His statement hit me in the face like a fucking brick. How many girls had Reuben lost? He was almost forty-one. He’d lost Savannah, and never got closure. Then Becca found someone else, Megan left, Robindied, and all the other submissives and playmates he’d had were gone or moved on... was he just as hurt as I was? It had never dawned on me that we’d both lost so many people. Probably about the same number, and his dynamics had all been significantly more emotionally involved than mine had been.

I met his eyes and for a moment, I saw that fierce aching pain in his face that I recognized when I looked in the mirror and missed Augustus Quinn. That awful shattering from the inside out that makes my blood boil and my skin feel too tight. He’d felt that too.

Hedidunderstand. I was just an asshole who let my emotions get away from me.

I opened my mouth to speak, to apologize, but choked on my tears. I couldn’t get it out. My mouth felt numb. I hurt for both of us, but I hurt most because I’d selfishly not even considered what another dynamic would do to Reuben, especially if it didn’t pan out. I’d only been thinking about myself, as per usual.

Reuben continued his lecture about my feelings, unaware of my epiphany.

“You need to have other methods of dealing with your problems besides getting your ass bruised, and drinking enough alcohol to make you pass out and forget about how miserable you are. Is there anything else besides self-destruction that has ever worked for you? Anything we can try? Because I’ll go to the end of the fucking Andromeda Galaxy to find something that helps you, sweetheart. But I need you to meet me at the landing zone.”

Welp, that about does it for my heart. I guess I’m completely broken for him now.

I crawled across the bed to where he sat and climbed into his lap, burying my head in his chest. His heavy arms tightened around me, and I felt him press his face into my hair.

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