Page 201 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Ispent the rest ofthe day finishing up interviews for the rebrand of the restaurant and reaching out and setting up some vetting appointments with new possible caregivers. Becca and the rest of the team had their hands full at The Weston House, and we’d found placement for a few of the other girls who had been with us for a few months. I checked in with Alice a little later at the training center I used, and she seemed to be doing well.

That evening, I resumed my efforts at her training. We went back through her rules, and I wrestled her down to sit by my feet and began reading a chapter of a book out loud to her that I thought might be valuable to her education. But when I glanced down at her, I could tell she wasn’t paying attention, so I handed her the book and made her read it out loud instead. She looked sad and a little put out by the time she finished the chapter.

“Okay, why are you glaring,” I said.

She worked her mouth. “I just... I need to think.” She growled and squeezed her head with her hands. Her legs were bound so she was stuck in a kneeling position.

“Let me ask you this. This chapter was focused on mutual consent. Was it upsetting to you, or confusing? Emotionally, how are you reacting? I can’t read you perfectly yet.”

“I’m...” she shifted and let go of her head. Her eyes were red with unshed tears. “I feel really bad.” She wouldn’t look at me.

“Can you reiterate the main points of the chapter, so I know you understood what it said?”

“Oh, I understand it. Play without consent is abuse, or has a very high risk of abuse even if your partner is into it. And that consent can be revoked by either partner. And that both parties have to consent for it to be safe.”

“So what about that is making you feel bad?”

I was expecting her to say something about Woodrow, or any of the other awful experiences she’d had, but instead, she leaned her head against my leg and looked up at me and whispered, “Am I toxic?”

“Hold on, what? No. Answer the question.”

“I never... I didn’t... I’ve always just...” She struggled to express herself, going back and forth with her words until she gave up and just closed her eyes, whispering, “I’m sorry. I never got your consent, back when we met, and I started annoying you on purpose.”

I smiled and put my hand on her head, stroking her hair, a feeling of pride and satisfaction welling up in me. “Do you think I hold that against you?”

“It doesn’t matter, apparently.”

“No, you’re right. It doesn’t. But I don’t think you’re toxic, Alice. And although your methods of requesting domination started a little on the sketch side, I think we’re making progress now that we’re on the same page. You’re learning to communicate, and I’m learning brat code. Don’t you think so?”

“You’re really good at brat code,” she said. “So, you’re not mad at me?”

“Trust me, you would know if I was mad at you. No, monster. I’m not mad at you at all. We’re here after all, right?”

We were both quiet for a while, and I let her think through the things she’d read. Eventually, she said, “You should have a safeword.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, ’cause you’re right, we can’t read each other very well yet, and I don’t want to cross the line with you and risk...” she gestured awkwardly. “Losing this. I don’t want to legitimately upset you, or break another relationship. That’s one thing I’m pretty good at is breaking things.”

“Hold on.” I tilted her chin up so she would look at me. “Do you blame yourself for the destruction of your other dynamics?”

“I mean, it takes two, right? After so many failures, there’s only one common denominator, ithasto be my fault.”

“Maybe there were things you could have done differently. Tomorrow for your task, I’d like you to think about that and write some of those things down in your journal. I won’t read it unless you want me to, because I want you to be honest with yourself. Self-awareness never hurts anyone.

“But from what you’ve told me, your relationships fell apart because you were withabusers. And youcannottake the responsibility for their abusive behavior on yourself.”

“Augustus wasn’t an abuser.”

“Okay, buthewas the one who shut your relationship down, not you. You served him selflessly, and he didn’t accept it. So that’s a different scenario.”

We talked for a while longer until I could tell she was getting tired, so I pulled her into my arms. “Go take a hot shower and climb into bed, little bug. I’ll be in there to tuck you in, okay?”

“Okay but you still haven’t given me your safeword.”

“I’ll tell you what...” I tucked her hair out of her face and let my fingers trace the snake on her skin down to her belly. “I’ll count up to three. That way you know exactly how close I am to not being okay.”

“Okay, that’s perfect.” She stood up and bit her lip in expectation. There was desire and want in her gaze but... she didn’t want to ask for what she was hoping for. Still too scared.

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