Page 152 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Chapter 36

Saturday afternoon, we drove to AnchorX. It was weird driving the familiar streets with Reuben. His SUV was about three times the size of my little two-door Hyundai, and everything looked different yet oddly familiar when I was in the front seat of his car.

He idled in the parking lot and turned to look at me, studying me with trepidation. “Are you sure you’re good with this?”

“Yeah,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

I knew exactly what was going to happen today. We’d talked through it together, deciding what to do and what to avoid. In theory, I was totally okay with it. But I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to react. And I was worried I would fuck it up.

I opened the door to climb out, but Reuben reached across me and pulled the door back shut.

“We can wait on this.”

“I don’t want to wait.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“What makes you think I’m afraid,” I spat more aggressively than was warranted.

“Your eyes get all... darty.”

I clenched my jaw and looked away.

His voice was encouraging. “Tell me what you’re afraid of.”

There were so many things. But the biggest insecurity weighing on me was that this beautiful, sadistic man was going to be unhappy with me if I wasn’t able to meet him in his darkness. I was most afraid that he would release himself on me, “go dark” as he said, and that I would be upset by it. I was afraid of not being enough for him, not being able to handle his needs or his desires, or his true self.

Because that was the thing about sadists. They were embarrassed and shy and tended to hate themselves because of their desires. Because what kind of decent human enjoys inflicting pain and suffering on another person? What kind of person do you have to be to get off on that? At least, that’s what they tended to tell themselves.

I adored them. Once they slipped into that mental headspace and let themselves free, I thought sadistic men were absolutely beautiful. They were real, and solid, and honest, and I wanted to take everything they had and drown in it.

But Reuben was right to be wary. The last sadist I’d played with broke my trust. I worried that Reuben would show his true colors and let his Beast out on me, and I would respond in a way that made him feel unwanted.

How was I supposed to say that in a way that was truthful, but also didn’t make him drive me home?

“Can we go inside?”

“Yes, of course.”

Inside, Annette was typing away at the front desk, as she always was. Her long blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail and she wore a black blouse with a peter pan collar, elegant minimal makeup, and a relaxed and professional expression on her face. I was pretty sure her main job at AnchorX was to keep the scared nervous submissives from freaking out, so she always looked relaxed.

But I knew Annette from The Underground. She put on a mask when she came to AnchorX. She was an extreme edge player like myself, a switch, and a fellow brat. Annette dropped her calm, collected mask when she saw me.

She jumped up and ran around the desk and wrapped me in a bear hug. “Oh my God, are you okay? I heard about Woodrow. What the fuck! It’s so good to see you. I saw your name come up and I wasn’t sure if it was really you!”

“Hey! Yes, it’s really me.” I hugged her back.

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