Page 148 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

She shook her head. “I forgot.”

“You...forgotto eat.”

She nodded. “So can I have a milkshake?”

“You can have a fucking meal, and maybe a milkshake when you’re done.” I dragged her over to the nearest halfway decent kiosk and made her order an actual meal, then watched her inhale it as if she hadn’t eaten in a week. She chattered the entire time, talking happily while she munched on her sandwich and sipped her milkshake.

So much for dinner plans.

That evening, we negotiated another rule. “Rule seven. You need to eat at least two actual meals a day. Not snacks, not candy, not a bag of chips. Real food. Dinner is one meal, and you can choose breakfast or lunch.”

“Uh... I don’t know if I can do that,” she said. “I literally just forget to eat sometimes. And you know I always feel nauseous in the morning.”

“Then I think you should set an alarm or a reminder on your phone to eat lunch. I also think you should be tracking your liquids. You didn’t drink hardly anything today other than a milkshake.”

I set a large glass of water down in front of her. She made a face and pushed it away. “Coffee counts as water.”

“Coffee is a diuretic. It does not count as water.”

“But it’smadeof water.”

“And strawberry milkshakes have fruit in them, but do not count as fruit. Three glasses of water a day, and two meals a day. That’s perfectly doable.”

“Hmm...” she tapped her finger against her chin. “I think I can do one of each.”

We haggled back and forth until I finally got her to agree to two glasses of water, a meal with me at night, and at least one mealor healthy snackthroughout the day. I sent her a link to my app of choice and programmed that into our profile, and made her set an alarm on her phone to check it off by 1pm every day.

On Friday afternoon, I went back and forth in my head about the scene I had planned with Alice. Part of me thought it would be fine to move forward and go for it, and I could tell she was antsy to play again. The other part of me worried it was a bad idea. I had a clear idea of what I wanted, and although it stayed far away from her hard limits, the nightmares she’d been having and the safewords she’d shouted made me think maybe she was more stressed or anxious about doing an intense scene than she let on.

Not sure what to do, I called Becca for advice. We met at The Lounge that afternoon before I went home.

“How are things going,” she asked. I could see the curiosity and excitement in her eyes. “You’ve been in a much better mood lately, so it must be going fairly well.”

“Have I?” I asked out loud. “I’m exhausted. She’s a lot to keep up with.”

“Well, you made a joke on our conference call on Monday, and you haven’t done that in about two years. And the lines between your eyebrows are temporarily gone. So, whether you believe it or not...” she sipped at her martini. “I think you’re quite happy.”

Maybe she was right. I had laughed more in the past few days than I had in months. But I was also stressed as hell, and I felt like I was on the edge of Domspace all the time. It was exhausting.

“I have so many things I want to do with her,” I said softly, leaning forward and talking quietly. “But she’s screaming in her sleep and shouting her safeword during night terrors. And she had a horrible crash the other day where she was so dehydrated, she couldn’t even talk. I’m just worried about her, and whenever I bring it up, she gets worried I’m going to break things off.”

Becca nodded and set her drink aside. “You know I’m limited in what I can say to you, as her therapist.”

“Of course.”

“I’ve known Alice for quite a few years, and I’ve guided her through several relationship starts and ends. I can tell you right now, this is part of the process for her. Next, mark my words, she’ll start breaking rules to see if you follow through with your punishments. Although she’s never mentioned night terrors before. That might be new. Remember, she’s gone through some pretty extreme abuse of power. And the abuse and lack of trust started a long time ago with her. It’s not about you.”

I nodded. “I expected the trouble and the rebellion. I didn’t expect the screaming in her sleep.”

“How’s the Woodrow situation, anyway,” Becca asked.

“We’ve submitted a police report. Rachel gave a full testimony. Sam took her statement and is acting as our liaison. I haven’t mentioned it to Alice, because last time I brought it up she nearly had a panic attack, and last time she heard his voice, she dissociated.

“I think she needs EMDR, and maybe some hypnotherapy. Maybe I can bring her by the center and–”

Becca cut me off. “That’s not a good idea, Reuben. You really want her around the other girls? Especially the ones who are currently going through those therapies right now?

“Many people with her disorder think in extremes. Like I said, I know Alice. Not super well, but well enough to know that bringing her to the center right now will feel like you are handing her off. She’s going to feel like her problems are too much of an inconvenience for you to handle, and she won’t be open with you about her needs. Instead, she’ll start to hide the things that upset her, so that you don’t know how hurt she is. Therapies like that need to be her idea, and her decision. She’s pretty stubborn like that.

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