Page 132 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Chapter 33

“Ifucked up. I hada chance, and I fucked up. I broke it before it even started!”

Alex was sitting next to me, holding a water bottle and a box of tissues, trying to comfort me. She looked as distraught as I felt. Maybe it was her clairvoyance, and she could feel my emotions. Or maybe she was worried I was going to do something stupid, like bang my head against a wall until the thoughts in my head finally shut up.

Useless.Can’t do anything right.All you had to do was fucking drive. Not be a brat for once in your life. But no, you just couldn’t–

“Alice,” Alex interrupted my thoughts, shutting them down. For a brief moment, my head was clear. “Just call him. Or just go to his house.”

“I can’t,” I cried. “He’s gone, he left for DC this morning! He won’t be back for two months! God, I’m fucking useless.”

“Do I need to slap you?”

“Probably!”

“Alice... just pack your car and go to his house. I’ll give you some gas money, and his address. Or better yet, call him and talk to him.Tell him how you feel.”

I shook my head.It’s better this way. Just cut your losses before you get too involved.

But he could have been what I needed. I had another chance at something like I had before and now it’s ruined.

“Alice. You asked for my advice. I’m telling you... go to him. Be honest with him. If this is what you want... take it. But Reuben was right. It has to be on you. It’s not fair what you asked of him.”

“I know,” I muttered. “And I hate myself for that. Why do I suck so bad?”

“Because you’re out of control right now. You’re not like this normally. When I met you, you ruled the entire office and practically put the Italian Mob in their place by yourself. You’re still hurt, and scared. Only learning to trust again will give you yourself back.”

She stood up, put her hand on my head, and eased my irrational panic until I felt a little more levelheaded.

“What if I hurt his feelings,” I whispered. “What if he thinks I don’t want him?”

Alex didn’t usually sound irritated, but this time, it came out in her voice. “Alice, for fuck’s sake, justtalkto him.”

Alex gave me a hug before she left, giving me a pointed look and nodding to my water bottle on my nightstand.

Damn. What is it with all my friends and making me drink water. Fuck them.

I drank the water anyway because I knew Alex would come back in here and make me if I didn’t. And I’d seen her in scary mode. It wasn’t sexy.

Ithought about itfor the rest of the night. I could call him or text him. But that wouldn’t really help me make a decision, because I’d just talk myself out of it again. He said he wanted me to “give him my submission,” and I wasn’t sure what that looked like, but I knew it was serious for him. He might not collar me, but I had a feeling he’d commit himself to me. After all, he’d kept his promise. He’d waited for me, and I hadn’t shown up. He said he wasn’t going to come and get me and he didn’t.

I wanted to pack my bag, get in my car, and hit the road. I knew I was already way too attached to him. And that scared me.

The other half of me wanted to cut my losses and stay free.No more Doms. No more Masters. No more Daddies. They’re only in it for themselves.

Lying awake in bed, I decided there was still something I needed to do. I had questions, and I needed the answers from someone I could trust. Someone who knew Reuben better than anyone. Someone unbiased towards me, who didn’t care about me one way or another. A stranger.

I grabbed my phone and texted Megan.I’m coming into town... can we meet? Please don’t text Reuben.

I didn’t sleep well that night. I tossed and turned and kept checking my phone. Megan texted me on Wednesday evening, saying she could meet me Friday after work. Early Friday morning, I handed my laptop over to Alex, and she gave me a knowing expression. Climbing into my car, I prayed I wasn’t about to make the biggest mistake of my life.

Igot into town aroundseven. Megan and I were supposed to meet at a bar down the street from her office. I was there early, looking over my shoulder and hoping she found me before anyone else did, and praying to hell I wouldn’t run into Woodrow.

“Alice?” A friendly voice startled me. I jerked around and met a pair of warm brown eyes, and a timid smile.

“Hi,” I whispered. “Yeah.” She looked familiar. I was sure I’d seen her in some of Reuben’s old videos.

Megan sat down beside me and unwrapped her scarf from her neck, showing off a beautiful red and black leather collar with a brushed metal lock on it. She ordered a drink and a sandwich, and then smiled at me.

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