Page 131 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

God. I’m turning into one of those rich assholes who just shows up to board meetings and owns things. Maybe I need a new hobby. Or a girlfriend.

Well that’s not going to happen now, is it?

I clenched my jaw. I knew I made the right decision asking Alice to make the first move. I knew my vision had gone away because she’d decided not to show up. My visions always changed when people made decisions. She decided not to come, or not to reach out to me, so my vision changed.

Maybe she would change her mind. She is a bit flighty, after all.

Cat disappeared from my visions years ago, and still managed to show up in the end. Maybe Alice would come around.

Still, part of me wanted to get back in my car, drive the ten hours back to North Carolina, and throw her in the back seat of my car, and drive her all the way back up here, chain her to the fucking wall, and make sure she knew who she belonged to.

But I’d never be able to live with myself. And if I went back on my word, she’d never trust me again.

“Reuben, oh my God,please, put a stopper in it until I’m out of the room.” Lindsay’s sarcastic tone interrupted my thoughts. She was clutching her head in frustration.

I rose to my feet. “I’m going out for a coffee.”

“Get me a bottle of Bulleit while you’re at it! I’m gonna need it to survive your melancholy bullshit.”

“Shut up, Lindsay.”

The next few days wereboth long and short. Sometimes I felt like I was stuck in a time warp, the minutes frozen on my watch face. Other times I blinked and it was eight o’clock in the evening, and I hadn’t made dinner. I was still so frustrated, so disoriented that my vision hadn’t returned, that Alice was gone from my head.

And it wasn’t just that she was gone from my dreams. I began to realize just how attached I’d gotten over the past few months. She was annoying, but only because I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. I liked her feisty side. I liked her playfulness. I liked her high energy, her contagious laughter, and the way her whole body seemed to vibrate when she got excited. I liked the way she’d randomly switch to spouting facts about space when she was bored or wanted attention, or how she’d talk to herself quietly under her breath when she thought nobody was listening. She was a funny little fox.

Mostly, I was pissed off. I had done almost everything right. I’d followed the rules. We’d tried to go slow. I’d asked all the right questions. I’d done this so many times before with other subs; why hadn’t it panned out?

I found myself on my knees. I didn’t have the most intimate relationship with God, but we had an understanding. He communicated with me what He wanted, and I did what He told me to do. I didn’t ask for much, just clarity in what He expected. So the confusion and hurt of not understanding why Alice was gone from my mind hurt. Quietly, I begged.I want what you want for me. But I really, truly thought that was her. Please, clarify this. I’m so confused.

That Friday I began a long day of interviews for the rebranding and reopening of one of the restaurants that hadn’t done so well. I tried my best to focus, but I found myself running behind, and my notes were almost useless. I wasn’t inspired or impressed by any of the interviews. I got home that evening around seven o’clock and collapsed on my couch in my big, empty house, wondering what the hell I was doing with my life.

It was nine o’clock when I realized I still hadn’t moved from my spot on the couch. I lost time scrolling on my phone, reading nonsense on the internet to distract me from the fact that I was alone and hungry, and didn’t want to cook.

I ordered a pizza, which was something I hadn’t done in a very long time. Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the door.They’re not usually that fast on a Friday night,I thought, but opened the door anyway.

There was no pizza in sight. Instead, standing on my doorstep wrapped up in her double-breasted wool coat and scarf, looking more beautiful than ever, was Alice Benson. And she was crying.

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