Page 124 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

She swallowed, not wanting to admit it.

“Be honest with me, Alice. We can’t play if you don’t tell me the truth.”

“I like that idea a lot.” She met my eyes. “That’s the thing about being bratty, Reuben... I want you to take back control. I want to fight... but I want tolose. Hard. That’s the point.”

A plan began to develop in my mind. At least, the beginning of a plan. I needed to flush it out a little more. “How would you feel about me triggering you into subspace?”

She hesitated. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t need to give me an answer right now, but I want you to think about it. And I’m going to send you home with some reading material. You should bring it up with Megan as well. Have you spoken to her?”

“I texted her, but she hasn’t responded.”

“I’m sure she still gets a lot of random people asking about me. I’ll let her know to answer you. Now another question... if we plan to do this, what would our dynamic look like for you?”

She looked at me suspiciously. “You said you were total-power-exchange only. I thought that was a given.”

“That’s my preference, yes. But that’s a long-term goal to work towards after years of intimacy and communication. I’d like to know where you feel comfortable for a starting point.”

She stared at me like I’d just handed her a blank check. “So you’re okay with... taking it slow?”

“Of course I am! We make the rules together, remember?”

She bit her lip and smiled up at me, shifting her shoulders happily. “Okay... I’d like to start off kinda slow, and keep it casual. But I still need to get spanked regularly or I’ll be miserable.”

“I’m sure we can figure out the right amount of domination to make us both happy.”

We talked a little more about what that looked like for her, and I got a clearer idea of how we could fit together. Alice wanted guidance and boundaries, and she wanted to play, but she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or a romantic relationship.

I wanted to see her happy and not freak out when she was reminded of her trauma. But I also wanted emotional intimacy, and although she didn’t explicitly say it, Alice implied that she didn’t want that. I could tell she was thinking about it, but she just wasn’t emotionally ready to open herself up like that again.

Could I sacrifice what I wanted to have her? Would that be something that changed over time? Would she eventually open herself up to me? Would it even be fair of me to ask for that? I wasn’t sure... but I wasn’t willing to give up yet.

I sent Alice home with a few articles I’d printed out about hypnosis. Some of them were by me, but a few were blog posts written by submissives who had experienced hypnosis and conditioning.

Before she left, I calculated the number of hours I had left to redeem on my coupon. She glared at it but acknowledged that my math was right.

I knew this game was going to come back to bite me, but it was just too much fun.

“Tomorrow I have people coming over starting in the afternoon...”

“So, I’ll see you Saturday?” she said. “When will your friends come to the Valley House?”

“Around eleven, I think. I’ll text you if that changes. You’re welcome to come back here afterwards. I’ll have refreshments, and it might be nice for you to meet some of my associates. But it will require professional behavior.”

She smiled, her eyes lighting up. “I can do professional. And... I guess, if you’re cooking, I’ll come by.” She winked. So far this week she’d loved everything I’d made. It was a huge relief that she wasn’t a picky eater. Robin had been almost impossible to feed once she’d discovered chicken nuggets.

Alice wiggled her fingers at me as she made her way out to her car, and I reflected on the realization that today was the first time I had thought about Robin and hadn’t felt like I was going to throw up.

Shutting the door behind Alice, I walked slowly into my bedroom, pulling the box out of the back of my closet. I flipped through the stack of photos, staring at her wide innocent face for the first time in years.

It still hurt. My chest ached from my guilt, and from missing her terribly. I missed her laugh, and her smile, and the sweet look she got in her eyes when she knelt by my feet and leaned her head against my leg. I missed the way she would wake me up in the middle of the night with tears in her eyes because she’d had a bad dream, and how she’d climb into bed with me, snuggling up into my chest like I was her safe place. I missed her sweet, high, childlike voice singing to herself and calling me Daddy.

But I could look at the photos, which was something I had wondered if I’d ever be able to do again.

The last page of the photo album had a note scrawled on an old coloring book page, with “I love Daddy” written in pink crayon, and a big smiling sun in the sky... and something I’d never taken much notice of before.

In the corner of the page, Robin had stuck one of her stickers. It was a glittery, purple, shooting star.

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