Page 19 of It's Only Love

“Weird, very mixed. Don’t analyze me though please, I need to keep it together.”

“I won’t unless you want me to,” Justine replied, and Christy gave her a small smile. They drank their coffees and then both women helped her get ready. She went through the motions almost mechanically. Putting on her black dress and shoes, Taylor did her hair while Justine helped her with her makeup before getting ready themselves. Taylor drove them all to the crematorium and when they arrived, she noticed a lot of the mourners were gathered around outside the building, waiting to go inside and pay their respects.

Taylor parked on the opposite side of the road and they all got out. Christy was instantly surrounded by the familiar faces of the people she grew up around. They crowded around her, offering condolences, and grabbing at her, trying to hug and kiss her. She had no space to breathe and panic rose inside her as she was mobbed.

“Okay, everyone, why don’t you all make your way back towards the building ready to go inside. I’m sure you’ll all have a chance to catch up with Christy afterwards,” Taylor called out, she began guiding Christy around them as Justine fended people off, acting like her bodyguard. Christy had the bizarre thought that she felt like a celebrity and bit back the urge to laugh.

As they approached the doors, the celebrant came out to greet her, he took her hand gently and talked to her in hushed, quiet tones.

“My condolences on your loss, Christy, I’m sure your father is now at peace and in the arms of the Lord. The pallbearers are going to bring the coffin in and place it inside. Then everyone will be able to come in and take their seats ready for the service to begin. I’ll say a few words, just what we’ve already agreed, did you wish to speak at all?”

Christy shook her head, feeling slightly dazed.

“Not a problem, we’ll then read some passages from the Bible and sing the hymns you’ve selected, say a prayer, and then invite everyone to come and say goodbye,” he finished. Christy’s throat tightened when he said “goodbye” and it took her a moment to respond.

“Great, thank you,” she murmured. He squeezed her hands then gestured for her to stand to one side.

“Can everyone please stand back for a moment of silence?” he called, and a hush fell over the crowd.

Christy turned to see the pallbearers, all dressed in their dark suits and top hats, raise the coffin that held her father onto their shoulders. Their hands clasped tightly together in front of them, and they moved forward as one. They’re not even holding it, what if it tips and falls? What if it opens and the body comes out? Her brain panicked and her breathing sped up as they moved, but the coffin stayed in place and her fears subsided.

They passed by her and moved into the building and once they were inside, the celebrant signaled for her to go in. Justine and Taylor had their arms around her, but her legs locked in place like she couldn’t walk. They gently pushed her forward and her feet slowly began to move. The room was furnished in light wood and sage green furniture, it was brightly lit with windows running along the top of the walls. The dias was in the center of the room, chairs fanned out from here and filled the room with a plinth placed in the center at the front.

Christy sat in the front row with Justine and Taylor taking seats either side of her. Everyone came in and sat behind her, she was surprised but pleased that so many people had turned up, some people she recognized from the town, some she didn’t. As she glanced around, she spotted Dean in the front row on the other side of the aisle, he turned to look in her direction and offered her a small smile. She hadn’t thought he would turn up, but she was glad he was here, after the way he was with her in the bar, she took comfort in his presence.

The celebrant began the ceremony, she tried to pay attention to what he was saying, but her eyes kept getting drawn to the coffin. Her father’s body was so close, this was the closest they had been to each other in nearly fifteen years which was a horrible thought. A lump formed in her throat and tears stung the back of her eyes. She felt like her autopilot had been disengaged and now she was feeling everything, the emotions she held at bay beginning to sink in.

As the celebrant’s words washed over them, she heard sniffles throughout the room, her own emotions growing to a suffocating level and she felt something close to panic rise up inside her. She darted her eyes around the room, trying to latch on to something to ground her, but all she could see was grief. Her eyes landed on Dean and he was already watching her, worry etched on his face. As they stared at one another she noted the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest and tried to focus on matching the pace. She started to calm and after a moment he nodded at her slightly, as if he were saying, you can do this and her panic subsided.

The speech ended, the hymns were sung, a prayer was said, and then it was time for everyone to say goodbye. There was a table to one side with a large vase of roses placed on top. Each person was to take a rose and place it on the coffin as they said farewell.

This was the part Christy was dreading, the last moment, the final goodbye. They started with the back rows and moved forward which meant Christy would be last. The wait was agony, and she once again felt the panic rise up inside as one by one everyone became more upset and distressed. When it was finally her turn, she struggled to take deep breaths, her hands shaking. Justine and Taylor moved to collect their roses. Taylor went first and said goodbye, then Justine. They stood either side of the coffin, waiting for Christy.

Christy couldn’t catch her breath, she looked at Justine and Taylor as they watched her, nodding in encouragement. But she couldn’t move, she stared back panicked. She was afraid, she couldn’t move her feet, couldn’t accept this final moment, couldn’t walk up there alone, but couldn’t open her mouth to tell them, afraid the sob of hysteria she was holding in would escape. As she stood there gazing around in terror, she felt heat against her back and a solid arm wrapped around her waist holding her up. A warm, firm hand slid into hers, clasping her palm.

“We’ll do it together, you don’t have to go alone,” his voice murmured in her ear, she looked up and her eyes connected with Dean’s. Those bright blue eyes shining down at her, calming her. He moved his other hand to cover the one that was clasping the rose, so they held it together. She opened her mouth to tell him she couldn’t go but a small sob escaped.

“It’s okay, you’re not alone. We’re going to do this together, I’ve got you,” he soothed, his southern timbre drifting over her. He squeezed her hand and urged her forward. She placed one foot in front of the other and in no time, stood in front of the coffin. Dean moved behind her, she felt him against her back and was strengthened by his presence. A calmness enveloped her, it was time to say goodbye to the pain, time to move on, and to finally be at peace. After a moment’s hesitation she stepped forward, moving closer for privacy, Dean’s heat no longer encasing her and she took a steadying breath.

“You may not have known how to love me, but I did love you and I think no matter what, I always will.”

Dean released his grip as she raised her hand and placed her rose with the others. She kept her hand in place, flattening it on the cool wood of the coffin, lingering. She felt Dean’s hand, still clasping the one at her side, tighten and his thumb stroked over the skin, comforting her again.

“Rest in peace, Daddy,” she whispered and then the tears fell. She felt arms envelop her and Justine and Taylor’s soothing words in her ears. When they finally pulled away, she realized Dean was gone.

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