Page 19 of The Heart of an Earl

“What—what in the blasted devil just came out of your damned mouth?” He stalked the two steps across the cabin and leaned over her, his fists driving into the bed aside her thighs. “That man almost died—could be dying at this very moment.”

Her hands flew up in front of her. “I—there was no pity on Redthorn’s ship.” Her eyes closed against Des’s rage, her cheeks squinting upward as her words flew. “He—he was brutal and if anyone was ever injured, that was what happened. Laughter. Jeers. You didn’t help or you’d be punished. Lashes. The injured were tossed. If you didn’t get to your feet quick enough, you were tossed to the sea. You laughed, you jeered or you’d be under the whip.”

His mouth twisted, the wrath on his face being fought, reined in. His lips pulled tight, words gritted through his teeth. “You just laughed at an injured man.”

Her eyes opened to him, her head shaking. “I—I did it—said it without thinking—it—it just came out—I didn’t know—I just reacted. I’m so, so sorry.”

He punched his fists into the bed and Des exhaled, fury seething from his lips. “Sorry?”

Her fingers went to her face, her hands tenting over her nose and mouth as her head shook. “I’m so sorry. It’s cruel and harsh—but they were cruel and harsh and all of that is part of me now and I don’t know how to control it. I’m cruel and harsh and I don’t know the words coming from my own mouth.”

Her hands went higher on her face, hiding her eyes, hiding herself from him.

“Jules.”

She couldn’t reply.

He tugged her left wrist downward. “Jules.”

Defeated, her fingers dropped below her eyes, her voice choking on her words. “When—when did I lose my humanity?”

His glare bored into her.

“I’m—I’m sorry but I don’t know how to be—how to be normal.” Her head shook, manic. “Not anymore. Not with people—real people. I don’t know what to say. What to do. I didn’t understand it until just now.”

A deep inhale and Des shoved himself upward off the bed and took a step back, turning away from her as his hand clasped against his forehead.

For a long breath he said nothing, and then his mouth opened, his voice low with gravel in his words. “You’re not cruel and harsh, Jules.”

Her hands fell from her face, her voice a whisper. “Except I am. I don’t even know how it happened—how I could just utter those words to that man. How did it happen? Years passed and I don’t know...I became one of them. I’m brutal and it’s despicable—I didn’t know it until I saw their faces—the men. But I saw them. How they looked at me. I am a feral creature that just crawled from the bowels of hell.”

“Aye. That you are.” His eyes closed and he shook his head.

The words stung, slicing her deeper than the men’s accusing stares above. She’d endured years of degradation, of being berated at every turn. But those words coming from Des’s tongue—his opinion of her—wounded something deep within her chest that she’d thought had long ago died.

Ridiculous. She’d only known the man for three days. His opinion should mean nothing to her. Needed to mean nothing to her.

He was just a tool to get her home. That was all.

His hazel eyes opened and he looked at her. “Those men think the worst of you, which is why we need to get you back above deck directly.”

Her head snapped back. “What? No. I cannot face them. Not again, not after that. I don’t know how to be around people anymore. Normal people, sailors. No one. I don’t know how to act—I’ve lost all civility.”

“You’re coming.” He reached out and grabbed her arm, his strong fingers wrapping fully around her wrist.

“No.” She jerked her arm backward, trying to free his hold.

“Yes.” He yanked her to her feet and started to drag her to door.

Her heels dug into the floorboards and she clawed at the back of his hand. “No, I can’t go back out there.”

He whipped around to her, his wrath breathing down on her. “You need to start being around people again, Jules. Real people. Not the dregs of humanity. And that includes facing people after an error. You face them and apologize.”

Her head shaking, her nails went desperate into his knuckles. “No. I cannot.”

“You can.”

“They know—they know I’m not right—mad—and I will never be right. I saw it in their eyes.”

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