Page 34 of Following Their Heart

While I’ve been lost in thought, Cora has been stroking her hand over my arm. I look at her, really look at her, and I fall headlong into her eyes.

My lungs release a heavy sigh. I know what I have to do.

Chapter 14

Cora

When Jud helped mechange into my jammies, he made it clear he’s not in this bed right now to do more of what we got up to in the bomb shelter. He was gentle but businesslike as he peeled my jeans off my legs and rolled my flannel down my arms, as he unclipped my bra and freed my breasts and immediately positioned my arms toward the ceiling so he could drop the silky shirt over my head. There was no “hanky-panky,” as my mom used to call it.

Now he’s on the bed with me after removing only his boots and hunting vest, and he’s keeping his hands to himself. I want to tell Jud the name I’ve picked out for his you-know-what, but it doesn’t feel like the right time. Something about the tension in his face and the haunted look in his ice-blue eyes makes me think this is the time for somethingheneeds to say. So, I wait. I pet his muscled arm as we lay face to face, and I wait.

I’m nervous. Jud and I are good together when we’re flirting…and having sex. We’re, like,reallygood together then. But this is something different. I don’t know if we’re going to be good together tonight, and I’m worried. What if I do or say the wrong thing, and he storms out, like he did last time we were in this room together?

I’m trying to be cool and follow his lead, but I also feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Is it okay that I’m rubbing my hand up and down his arm, or was that sigh he just let out a sign of irritation?

I take my hand back and bite my lip. “Sorry.” I know I didn’t do anything I would need to apologize for with a normal person, but Jud is not normal. He’s somehow both more aloof and more sensitive than any of my other guys. Even after being fully intimate with him today—twice—I struggle to read him.

Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.

He moves and I flinch, but he’s not moving to leave. Instead, he picks up my hand and kisses it. He sighs again, and it is most definitely a sound of irritation.

My shoulders bunch up around my ears.

“I owe you an apology,” Jud says.

I swallow. “Um, for what?”

“For being the guy that makes you go all tense and skittish.” He’s still holding my hand. He squeezes it securely and presses it against his chest with one hand. With his other, he squeezes my knotted shoulder muscles. “Roll over.”

I obey, and he lifts up over my back and begins massaging me. His fingers press and knead at my neck and shoulders, and it feelssogood.

“Can you forgive me?”

It sounds like he’s apologizing for being him. I’m not okay with that. I like who Jud is. I’m learning to appreciate all his sides, the sweet and the stern, the gentle and the crass, the nice and the mean. Every side of him has a purpose, and all those sides work together to keep us safe.

“You shouldn’t apologize for who you are.”

“I should if I’m an enormous, shitty asshole.”

“Ew. And you’re not an...asshole. You’re a leader, and you have to be tough sometimes. I like who you are.”

“Stop making excuses for me. I’m an asshole, and I know it. I had to be, to survive being raised by an even bigger asshole, to be the prez of our club, and—” He sighs again. Maybe that sound indicates irritation withhimself. “To protect myself from heartache.”

He has every ounce of my attention. It’s so unlike Jud to talk about himself. I can hardly believe what I’m hearing, but I want to hear more. I hold my breath, waiting for more.

“I was married. Before.”

Still not breathing. Jud is kneading my back and I’m going to pass out from lack of air.

“Her name was Miranda.”

Oh, my goodness. Jud is talking about his past. I feel like I need to say something.

“Oh. Um, okay.” Speech kicks my lungs into motion again. I’m breathing, but cautiously. I don’t want to disturb the miracle unfolding in my room.

“Came home one night, drunk, horny, looking forward to goin’ to bed with my old lady. But she wasn’t exactly waiting around for me, if you know what I mean.”

I don’t, but I keep my mouth shut. Jud’s voice has leveled into a monotone. He sounds like he’s in a trance. But his hands are still working on my slowly-relaxing shoulders.

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