Page 26 of Who I Crave To Be

And there is something so freeing about that.

Something so freeing about being unbound as we sail through the air, our shoes left on the deck as we jump into the freezing cold waters.Sinking like a deadweight, Deano clasps my hand tightly as we drop toward the sandbanks, the waters rough around us as they swirl in our self-made tornado and still, I’ve never felt so exhilarated.The cool waters breathe a breath of fresh air as they replenish my craving soul.

After our moment of calm solitude, letting everything other than the two of us fade, we begin to kick our feet and break the water's surface, gasping for clean air as our lungs burn and my head starts to feel light.

I laugh uncontrollably as I shiver, searching the darkness for Deano but he’s already there, right in front of me, claiming my lips as his own.I can feel the life that is filtering through him, tasting it on my lips as I’m sure he can taste the adrenaline on my own.

We turn away when a stark white spotlight shines down on us, blinking away the spots that dance in our vision to see half of the party gathered close to the edge watching us with gaping mouths and a giant spotlight shone down on us.

We laugh even harder and Deano points to the crowd, to the man standing beside Maria, “That’s Johnny DeMarco.My father, what do you think, Sin?Do we look alike?”He laughs brokenly, the cold biting at his chest.Seeing this side of him.The light, carefree side makes my soul ache as I cling onto him as if he is my life raft while I’m lost at sea, knowing that if only I hold on tight enough, I’ll safely find land again.

“You’re his double.”I shudder around a soft giggle, watching as Deano’s parents bark out wild bursts of laughter that make us laugh even harder.

“Oh, Johnny, do you remember the good old days of doing absolutely everything crazy because… Well, why the fuck not?”She chuckles, staring down at Deano and shouting, “Life is too short to be boring and not to laugh my boy!I’m so glad to see you smile again!”

“It’s a good look on you, son, never lose it!”Johnny agrees.

“Don’t worry, I never intend to,” he whispers against my neck as we just float there, drifting in the still waters utterly at ease.

His words form a brutal knot in my core as the sadness consumes the hollowness of my being. I struggle to breathe around my reality, because the clock has struck midnight and my time has run out.

The tears cloud my vision, the world around me swims in the watery depths as I try to find my footing, stumbling from the house like the thief stealing the jewels.

Only I'm leaving empty handed.

My heart sits beside a sleeping Deano who has no idea of my escape.

It's easier this way, easier than what was to come.His declaring that this weekend has been great, but now it's time to go back to reality.

It's never been this hard, not until walking away became a physical pain, piercing through the hollow husk of my empty chest.

Truth is, I've done things like this before.Fled from the reality of my life, any weekend I'm able and became someone else.It’s never been easy.My life has always been there, lingering in the back of my mind because it will always matter to me.It will forever be the most important thing in my heart.But one weekend out of the month, I’m allowed to let go - I’m allowed to be free.

For.One.Single.Weekend.

I’m somebody else entirely!

But I've never given in to the rush and experienced it with a man before.

What I've craved never had anything to do with romance and everything to do with me being at peace with myself.

In feeling happy within my own skin and feeling powerful within a world I had no control.

Petty theft, lavishing myself in fine dining, in overly priced restaurants and fleeing before the bill.Dressing in elegant dresses I'd return come Monday.Walking into stores that cost more than my home and conning them into believing that I belonged. Conversing with people who had no idea that I didn't belong at all.

Not even slightly.

Whatever it was that made me let go and be free, has comforted me before.

But never like this, never like with him.

He broke open the vault inside of me I kept under lock and key.The freedom I never truly allowed myself to feel.

He gave me a reason to live the life I've always dreamed, without making excuses for it.Because there's nothing wrong with toying with death just to know you survived.

I have things to live for, people that I love and would never risk, and the element of safety doesn't take away from the rush when things are done properly.I felt like a bird leaving the nest, experiencing true freedom for the first time on that cliff.

Sometimes everything is out of focus, and it takes the air coursing around me and lifting up my being for me to be able to finally breathe easily again.

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