Page 2 of Who I Crave To Be

"Fine, whatever.I'll let Baz know so when the guys get handsy he can break their wrists.I know a delicate flower like you will need protection."

I can't help but bark out a laugh, if only my best friend knew the risqué desires I've forever secretly harbored.“Me?We both know I’ll just stab the cunt.”We laugh even harder at the inside secret of our very vulgar and very unlady-like catchphrase.

Anna wouldn't be using a word like innocent to describe the burning need inside of me that craves to be unbound with a rush that isn't biased.

I'll take my thrills anywhere and everywhere I can get them.

“Let me show you some moves so you don’t get booed off the stage.Although with a body like yours…” She pauses as she gives me a once over.“Wowzahh!I’d do ya.”She cants her head and shrugs her shoulders like it’s no big deal.Dragging herself from the seat she’s slumped in, she moves into the open space between the kitchen island and the doorway, jutting out a hip and flicking her shoulder length brown hair over her shoulder, then motioning for me to hurry my ass with her free hand.

Sighing, I peel myself from the counter, settle my cup on the side before appeasing her and allowing her to show me all the moves she thinks are new to me.We twist and twirl for hours and laugh so deep in our cores that my abdomen begins to ache.

Anna’s the adventure that feeds the universe.So open and easy going that the fire which burns in her soul, acts like a beacon drawing people in.She’s never been chained.

Me?

I’m reserved and grounded.The soil which sprouts the pretty roses from deep within the earth.

But those roses are deceitful.Forever hiding the thorns.

It only creates a whirlwind within me that craves something so much more than I’ll ever be able to put into words.I’ve never done anything like this before, filling in for her will be a new adventure which hopefully feeds the want in my bones that searches for the rush I can never explain.

Wanting more from life isn’t from the lack of what I already have, but the experiences I will never again have.There is a longing in my bones, for something that lingers long after I grow old and even my memories have left me.

Life isn’t about being respectable and following the rules.

It’s about stepping out of the confinements we place ourselves in, acknowledging that they arenotnormal.

I look around at my normal life, with my predictable routine and my nine-to-five and I just crave one day where I don’t feel like I’m going to fall apart under the repetitiveness of it all.

I’m a good girl, wanting to live, if only so the memories can comfort me for a mere moment in my fleeting life long after they have passed.

And besides, being bad?Feels so fucking satisfying.

Itake my time in the shower, allowing the spray of scalding hot water to test my resilience.I've never been one to suffer through a warm shower, if my skin isn't red, leaving me wishing they were the marks of a man's desire for me, it isn't hot enough.Placing my face under the shower head, I close my eyes and tilt back my head, savoring the rush that comes with holding my breath while everything washes away.

Yellow tinged water runs down the length of my body and swirls down the drain as I grab my cherries appleshampoo and start lathering my hair before rinsing it and following it with a smoothing conditioner which will thicken my hair and smooth it out as I wash out the hair dye thinking about the night ahead.

The conflicting voices in my head have always been at war.

Half of me doesn’t understand the desperation in my chest needing to appease the unrest that riots within my core with the rush of elation.

The other half can’t understand how the first half can be so ignorant.

Stepping from the shower, I stub my toe on the raised flooring and hiss out a curse, “Stab the cunt!”The response slips free before I can bite it back.It’s ingrained into my bones at this point.Anna and I use it in absolutely every situation we’re in.Even the most inappropriate times, but fuck it.

It’s us.

A fun shit show.

Hobbling into the bedroom, the throb begins to spread as the pain radiates through my entire foot and I flop back down onto the warm sheets, “Shit, shit, shit!”

Fuck me, that hurt like a motherfucker.

Clutching my foot to my opposite knee, once the initial shock of it wears off, I bite my lip and force myself to relax, giving myself over to the pain.It extends throughout my body and that’s when it happens.

The shit that usually happens when I surrender to the dull aches and pains.

My core clenches and I moan, rolling my head on my shoulders as that sting turns into a fastly dwindling pleasure.

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