Page 19 of Who I Crave To Be

Because she’s become compulsory to my existence right now.Without her, all I know is a deep, welling sadness and void-consuming loneliness.Sure, I have friends.A life.But all of that is merely existing, never living.

Not until I took Sin by the hand and allowed her to show me what it’s like on the other side of desire.

I grew up in the throes of danger, my family's name had always placed some kind of target on our back.The life is dangerous, not like it's portrayed on TV. Death and bloodshed isn’t an everyday occurrence.

But dangerous, still.

The waters are calmer in this day and age.Our alliances are as strong as the old timers, so we don't have as much violence or worry of being murdered in our sleep.For the most part, we just live our life, line our pockets and grow our families.

But bullets still fly and blood is still shed on very rare occasions.

I've just been able to stay the fuck away from it.

My family is happy with me handling the businesses and showing up for dinner once a week.I'm free and I've never regretted a thing.

All I've ever wanted for myself was a normal life, kids and a good woman.

A reason to wake up every morning.

A reason to live.

I gave up on all that shit a long time ago, but this weekend has burrowed its way into my chest.Leaving me with more desires than I know how to navigate.With many questions that I don’t have answers to.My biggest question being one I find myself asking every time I gaze upon her stark, soul-consuming beauty is…

Who the fuck is this woman?

She came out of nowhere and now I never want to let her go.

I can't work her out, she is a complex puzzle that rides me with the taunting knowledge that I'm going to need a lot longer than this weekend to find all the pieces.

Over the years, I guess the loneliness has manifested itself into a dull ache within my chest.

It took everything within me to remain unphased on that cliff, to not shit a brick at throwing myself over the damn edge.It took me beyond my comfort zone.But I was determined to step into the unknown with her because she did it so damn easily.

Without pause or even a fraction of fear.She fell free to her desire and she savored the rush.

To allow her to show me exactly what I've been missing from my life, was easy.

There's just something about her that sends a man craving after something he can't name.

I want more of her, of us, of her contagious laughter and beaming smile that steals my breath and knots my stomach.More of her pushing me to live, when I'm trying to think of ways to give her what she longs for without truly knowing what it is.

She burns a hole through the terrain as she drives back through the woods and then we're gone.She floors it down the open roads, taking the bends like a bat out of hell as I plaster myself to my seat, not used to being in the passenger seat at all.Everything suddenly feels like it's too close and there is a very real possibility she's going to make us crash into a ball of rolling fire.

"Would you relax?I can handle this."She laughs at my unease and it makes me laugh as well.

"Easy for you to say, you have a death wish," I growl, clenching the door handle tight.

Fuck me, we really are going to die.

"Yeah, yeah.I'm untameable.We established that already."

"I believe the words we used were a mad woman," I correct.Forcing myself to relax as I reach for her thigh once more, loving the way she curves to my hold.

"Oo, yes.That was it.We concluded that together?We're unhinged."She giggles, and the sound wraps around my heart, warming the once cold shell that caged it.

After around an hour, she pulls onto open land.Acres and acres of fields surround us."What are we doing?"I inquire, but she only smirks at me like she's the queen of hell.

Well, for me personally, the queen of pure sin.

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