Page 91 of Lavender and Lightning

“Jason’s been emailing me just about every week since the article outing you was published. He’s been trying to help, but the double agent role isn’t easy. They’re already less trusting of him, and ever since you’ve gone no contact, they’ve been even more guarded,” I say, head warm as the whiskey starts to take hold.

“Who’s ‘they’?” Lydia asks.

“Darren. Your mother. Your brother, Adam, surprisingly. He showed up back at the Anderson compound, claiming medical discharge, but the records I found show a failed drug test, so who knows—”

“Adam’s been kicked out of the Army?” Lydia interjects, more shocked than I would have thought she’d be.

I nod, giving her a sympathetic look for a moment before turning away. Her expression shows the reality sinking in, how much I know but have kept from her. Rhett and I talked the most about these things, making decisions on what was best for Lydia without ever asking what we’d done to deserve such a privilege.

“Wait, you said people were submitting photos to The Review. Why weren’t they published?” she asks suddenly, words more clipped now.

“I told Tonya, the editor-in-chief, if she published anything about you again, I’d tell her husband how far she’s willing to go to get the inside scoop,” I drone, closing my eyes.

“What… what do you mean?” Lydia asks hesitantly, and rightly so.

“She was young and hungry once, and she wanted to get a statement on record about what sort of relationship Mateo, Rhett, and I had. So, I let her think she was one step ahead of me, but I knew what she wanted. She bought me a few drinks, got me talking, and talking led to a hotel room, and—”

“That’s enough,” Lydia whispers harshly.

“Sleeping with a journalist is hardly the worst thing I’ve done to protect this pack, Lydia,” I scoff derisively.

If she knew how filthy my hands truly are, would she ever want me to touch her again?

“Why?” she breathes.

“Why, indeed,” I say with an ironic chuckle. “Because those men have shown me more love and support than I’ve ever gotten from any of my blood relatives. Our motto, bonds stronger than blood, is why I protect them.”

“No, that’s not… why are you telling me all of this?” she demands, voice soft but not weak.

I pause and consider all the possible answers. Because I want her to have a complete list of my crimes, so she can know her hatred for me isn’t misplaced. Because I can’t stop myself from spilling all the things I’ve kept locked away for so long, even if it’s only going to push her further away. Because…

“Because after being told my whole life that I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself, I thought I’d found a group of people I could trust, that I found someone who loved me and truly had my back. But then he turned around and used me, just like I’d been warned would happen if I let myself be vulnerable. I sat here, in this exact spot, for weeks, putting my walls back piece by piece, the smell of the lilacs outside the window soothing in a way I didn’t understand. Not until Rhett brought that first bouquet to my office… brought your scent into my life.

“I never want you to think I don’t care about you, that I don’t respect you, or think of you as anything less than miraculous. I’ve been looking for you long before I ever knew you existed. Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’m in love with you, and I can’t stand the thought of you walking away without knowing I tried my best to do right by you,” I breathe out, letting the tears fall from beneath my lowered lashes.

The room is silent for three agonizing heartbeats, and I have to open my eyes to make sure she’s still there. When I do, I suck in a sharp breath, heart throbbing at the tears streaming down her face, the way her lower lip trembles even as she tries to smile. And then she’s out of her seat, her hand on my wrist yanking me to my feet and into her arms. She’s all softness and warmth, her lilac scent filling my nose as I press my face into her hair. I extract my arms from her grip and wrap them around her shoulders. Without my usual heels, I’m only an inch or two taller, but she fits against me seamlessly.

Then my body relaxes, and my mind drifts into peaceful emptiness as a gentle purr fills the air. Everything is warm, my fingers tingling as they thread into her hair. Relief and contentment replace doubt and grief, my world coming back into alignment with its new axis clutching me tight around the ribs. How could I possibly think I could let her go? She’s everything I want to be, kind, open, generous, honest, compassionate. And when she pulls back to look me in the eye, the comfort of her purr fading, I can only marvel.

“I’m not leaving, Lex,” she whispers, reaching up and tucking a stray hair behind my ear.

I blink in confusion. “But we’ve—”

“Made mistakes. But we can learn from them, and do better going forward, right?” she interrupts gently, cupping the side of my face.

Her forgiveness, the kindness in her emerald eyes, breaks something in my chest, and I can only nod. She smiles and the world falls away. And then she’s kissing me, her lips soft and sweet, and I’m lost. I will do whatever it takes to deserve the woman in my arms. When we break apart for air, I rest my forehead against hers for a moment, just letting myself enjoy her closeness.

“I’ve talked to Matty and Luc, but I still need to see Rhett. Is he…” She trails off, the end of her sentence more of a question.

I sigh and shake my head slightly. He’s not okay, but I’ve been at a loss as to how to help him. But I know if anyone can do it, Lydia can.

“I’ll stay here one more night, if that’s okay? You have stuff to figure out and I don’t… yeah,” I finish lamely.

Lydia nods and gives me another soft kiss. “I’ll see you for coffee tomorrow,” she says before stepping back.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, sweetness.”

thirty-nine

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