Page 47 of Bitter Truths

“Maybe I do, but I don’t know how.” I smile wanly. “And I love you, Max. I do. But I need space. I . . .”

Nodding sadly, he gives me an awkward hug and whispers, “I love you too, sis.”

Chapter Thirteen

I guess I am the monster they thought me to be.

HALSEY

It’s a Friday evening, and Aaron went out. I didn’t want to run into Will or Griffin again, so I opted to stay home, but I’m feeling restless and angry because nothing I do eases the fury squeezing my lungs in a painful grip.

I can’t sleep through the night without dreaming of Griffin and what could have been. And despite my regret, there’s a bitter aftertaste because I still don’t think he understands my pain.

Maybe it’s a stupid wish. How could he possibly see when I can’t explain it to begin with?

All I know is I’m tired of my damn thoughts, and without Aaron here, the house feels empty. I should have gone with him, but I know I can’t outrun this shit.

It’s here to stay until I figure out how to let it the fuck go.

With a sigh, I pull on my shoes and coat and walk down the path toward the quad, breathing in the crystalline air. It’s beautiful out here with the snow-lined paths and trees, and I try to focus on it, but I’m caught in my head.

Am I being stupid? I don’t know, but I can’t get past this burning feeling in my heart that says it shouldn’t be so easy for those who have sinned.

But what can I do?

After all, Aaron was right. I don’t feel better for having made Griffin hurt. I only feel pain—motherfucking pain that never goes away.

Still, I want him to feel my burn; I want him to hate as I do, and I’m consumed by these thoughts that won’t ease despite the understanding that what I’m contemplating is wrong. How is it possible to love and hate someone so damn much at the same time?

Besides, all I did was push him back into Miranda’s arms, which definitely backfired on me. Truthfully, I never thought she would go back to Griffin, especially after our heart-to-heart, and I don’t know whether to feel sorry for her or hate her guts.

After my first lap, I decide on both because she looked me in the eye and confessed that she knew something was going on between us and went back to him anyway.

Well, good luck. He’s a cheating bastard, and she’ll never be happy. Ha! Still, his ease in moving past what he insisted we have makes me wonder for the fifty billionth time if he was even being truthful.

By my third lap, I’m so worked up I don’t spy Dr. Marks until I’m practically on top of him, and I skid to a halt with a gasp when I do.

Shit, I should probably be more aware of my surroundings. Dumbass.

“Halsey, how are you?” he asks, and I give him a halfhearted smile because I’m in no mood for therapy right now.

“I’m good, um, just getting some exercise,” I say.

Can he see the devil writhing on my soul?

His eyes narrow thoughtfully, and I shrink away from him before taking a deep breath. I’m not doing anything wrong, for fuck’s sake.

“Everything all right?”

Huffing, I mutter, “It’s good. Look, I just, I don’t need a therapist right now.”

“What do you need?”

“A friend.”

“Okay, how about this? How about we walk together, all friendly like?”

Staring at him suspiciously, I finally give in when he raises his hands in the air with a smile.

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