Page 2 of B-Side

Alec was logical and emotionless at a time when I was a hundred percent emotional. I cried, and we talked in circles, but at the end of it, I knew we didn't see eye-to-eye about the matter. I felt like we could go back and start fresh even though we had made a mistake, and Alec didn't see it that way. He didn't want to go back.

"So, are you breaking up with me?" he asked after hours of exhausting conversation.

"No Alec, I'm not. I wasn't. I didn't think I was when you came over here."

"But you don't trust me enough to let that happen anymore?"

"It's not about trust. I've already explained that."

"That you regret it ever happening," he said.

"Yeah, I guess. If you want to put it that way, Alec. Yeah. I regret it. I don't think it should have happened. I think we were too young, and I think it would have been a better experience for both of us if we had waited."

"You sound like your father."

"Well, maybe I take that as a compliment," I said.

"I can't believe you're breaking up with me," he said, shaking his head and standing up. He had been sitting on the couch with me, and he got up and stretched, looking like he was about to leave.

I tilted my head at him. "I'm not the one breaking up."

"You're the one saying things need to change between us."

"Yeah, but it's not like it's something we've been doing all along. We just started. It's okay for me to say I want to go back to how we were. That should be okay."

"Well, I'm not the one who has a problem with it, Grace. I love you, and I trust you enough to let that happen between us."

Alec and I talked in circles for so long that I hardly knew which way was up by the time he left Kate's house. Her whole family had come home and we finished our conversation on the patio.

I felt no closure when Alec left.

I was ninety-five percent sure that we were broken up, but I still held onto that five percent chance—that tiny ember of hope that we would stay together and get through it.

I stayed hopeful for a day or two, but Alec moved on.

He would tell you that I was the one who broke up with him, and I guess that was true, but it certainly didn't feel like it. He broke my heart. I was utterly devastated for months. I was positive that I could talk Alec into going back to things the way they were, and I sank into a pit of despair when I couldn't.

I felt used and rejected. I felt like everything my parents had said was right. There was no such thing as Bonnie and Clyde love. I got used, and then I got left, and all of this by a guy who I really loved and trusted.

Not only that, but now I was unable to ever take back what I had done.

For months, I wrestled with doubt, wondering if I had made the right decision.

Part of me wanted to go back to him and let it happen again. Part of me wanted to go to another guy and let it happen just to teach Alec a lesson. But I didn't do either of those things. Ultimately, I chose to ask for forgiveness and put it all behind me as if it'd never happened.

I knew it wasn't the truth, but I thought of myself as a virgin again just because it made it easier to withstand temptation during those moments of doubt when I felt the pain of rejection and wanted to react.

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