Page 16 of Independence Bae

“Up.”

She looked at me confusion written all over her face, but obliged. I sat in her seat, pulling her into my lap, and held her tight against my chest.

“I’m scared too,” I whispered against her hair.

She tried to turn in my lap trying to look me in the eye, but I knew if she did I’d lose my nerve and it was now or never.

“I’m so worried I won’t know how to be a dad, Marley. Not even the best dad but just like know how to handle the basics of being a dad. The last thing I want is to screw up a baby, one who is half of you, the kindest person I know—with my inability to parent.”

Each time I pictured myself as a dad, behind my eyes I’d see Danny—my first foster dad, who would “take us to the park” to leer at the soccer playing teenagers. After Danny there was Mike who would yell at my foster mom about spending too much money on “us kids” but always found money for lotto tickets, beer, and cigarettes. They weren’t all bad. But the ones that were less than horrible didn’t have the time or bandwidth to make sure the kids they cared for were staying out of trouble. That’s how the street gangs scooped you up. Those were thoughts I didn’t want to entertain. Not when I lived in this new existence.

There were so many other fears that lived in that dark place inside my head. Too many doubts and too much self-recrimination for me to cover in one conversation. What if the baby grew up hating me? What if all of those behaviors I learned from those shitty foster dads surfaced when I tried to parent? What if Marley left me?

“Oh, Ted,” I heard her whisper against my collarbone. “I’m scared too.”

Her revelation surprised me, and she was able to free herself from my embrace enough to twist in my lap and look at me.

“I have the same fear. Especially since I have to face motherhood without my mom. Who am I going to call? I don’t even have any family friends I’m close enough to call in the middle of the night when I feel something weird. Or if the baby has a fever. I feel like I’ll be navigating the tightrope of being a mom without a safety net. And I’m scared too.”

She smiled at up me with a watery smile.

“But you know what?” Her fingers on my chin shot waves of tenderness through my bloodstream and expanded my heart. Every single day she did something that made me fall in love with her even more. The tender way she understood me and calmed my fears soothed something raw and jagged inside me.

“We can be scared together.” She continued, “We’ll flop around blindly, together, and laugh at all the ways we are nailing parenthood.”

Our waiter returned with our food at that moment, silently placing various plates in front of the two of us before slipping away in near silence. I looked out over the Chicago skyline wondering how Penn and Raven’s dinner was going. Penn had decided to dine her up in the sky at the Signature Room in the John Hancock Building. We were across the street at the Peninsula. Not quite as high as ninety-five floors up, but high enough to get views of Navy Pier and the skyline. It was actually really fucking hard to stay quiet about the proposal. In a normal day Marley is the first person to hear any news. But, this news I knew was something Raven would want to tell everyone.

Marley unfolded herself from my lap, and I reluctantly returned to my chair opposite her. We enjoyed the first few bites of our meal in silence, but a thought occurred to me.

“You know… we can keep the North Pole house. We can fix it up, rent it out, or just have someone come and clean it once a week. It can be our vacation home. Anything we want really.”

“Ted…” that wary voice she used when she was ready to lodge an argument in sensibility surfaced.

“We can discuss those things later.” I grinned a stupid happy grin at her, feeling it all the way into my soul. “You make me so fucking happy, Marley Jacobs.”

Chapter Twelve

The Signature Roomsat on the ninety fifth floor of the city’s second tallest building. To call it magical would be an incredible understatement. The sparkling lights from Navy Pier and the city scape, coupled with the last few moments of sunset over the lake conspired together to create the most gorgeous scene I’d witnessed of late.

“I am so proud of you.” Penn held his glass of champagne up, waiting for me to raise mine in a toast. “Not that I’ve ever had any doubt that the world would forever be ordered around by your laser focused drive, I know how hard you and Bear work every day—and what an incredible reward this is.”

His praise was the headiest drug. I’d gone through life thinking I didn’t need anyone’s permission or praise for my life choices. But Penn changed that. He made me want to be proud of things, to share that pride with him, and really take each moment and relish in our successes, whether his or mine.

“What a ride, huh, Tillie Raven?”

What a ride indeed. This year had truly been one for the books. From being at our lowest point, thinking our radio careers were dead, and me personally slowly developing a fear that I would be alone forever, to both Ted and I finding love and now, this.

“I am so glad that I was voluntold to come to Virginville and stay in your hotel, Penn. I’m still in awe of the universe for aligning those stars.”

I floated on a cloud of pure bliss. I’d blame it on the champagne, but I hadn’t had enough to even clear my glass let alone to get me drunk. I felt light however, free. Buoyant even.

“Raven—Tillie—I know you hate when I use your given name, but this is something important.”

The pad of his thumb caressed alongside the dip between my forefinger and thumb, forcing my hand open, which he took between his.

“I have born witness to all of your firsts. The first to ride a bike. The first to lose a tooth. Tie a shoe. Get promoted into the advanced readers in fourth grade a full quarter before anyone else. Our first kiss after the snowflake dance in seventh grade. I can still hear the sound of Hootie and the Blowfish blaring in the school gymnasium. My first love.”

His words took me back on a romcom level photomontage of our life, set to Hootie and the Blowfish since he’d just putthatsong in my head. He was in nearly all of my best memories.

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