Page 4 of Faithless

My God, I’ll be living in the deepest bitter cold if I let her get away from me.

After taking a big, burning gulp of whiskey, I slam my glass on the desk. Sizzling determination rushes through my veins.

I won’t let her go. I’ve been able to keep her this long, even though I’ve been as terrible of a husband as it’s possible to be.

I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her. I’ll fight dirty if I have to.

She’s not going anywhere.

CHAPTER 2

Whitney

* * *

My appointment with Stephen Garcia is this afternoon. God, why have I been jittery all day? It’s just our initial meeting. I don’t have to make long-term decisions yet.

Cole walks into my knitting room with his phone in his hand.

“Mom, I’ve been doing some research, and I think you’re going about this all wrong.”

I sigh as I look up from my needles. I should have expected this.

It’s been a week since I told Mark about the divorce. I told Cole about it as soon as he got settled in our guest house after he graduated from college. I knew he would be completely on my side, and I dreaded it. As much as I love his support, his ire towards his dad is disturbing. It’s relentless and unflinching, and I worry that it’s going to cause long-term emotional damage to both of them. Bitterness is an unproductive emotion. Give it even a little fuel, and it can swallow every inch of your heart and make you blind to its destruction.

I can only imagine how Cole would feel if he knew I started this whole thing. If he knew I was the first one to break our marriage vows.

Oh God, I don’t think I could bear it if that bitterness were for me.

“The selfless approach you’re taking is not the way to go with this.” He walks over to the chair across from me and sits down. He reaches out and hands me his phone. “You’re entitled to a lot of money, and you need to push for it. Fight dirty if you have to. Infidelity doesn’t influence divorce settlements in California, but it could influence a judge. Especially when you’re so sweet and soft-spoken.” His jaw clenches. “I bet you almost any judge would hate Dad if they knew how he’s been treating you.”

And how would you feel, Cole, if you knew how deeply I hurt your dad fifteen years ago?

I told myself I kept it from him for his own good—to preserve his idyllic view of our family—but what was my excuse after he caught Mark cheating on me?

I don’t even glance at the screen of his phone. “I’ll have more than I need, and I don’t want to take anything away from your inheritances.”

He looks like he wants to roll his eyes. “You can’t think about that. You need to demand what you’re entitled to. You won’t have any control over the company or Dad’s side of the settlement after your divorce anyway, which is where most of our inheritances will come from. And you know Dad is going to marry some nineteen-year-old and lose a bunch of money, anyway.”

My throat grows tight at the thought. Oh God, his infidelity has been difficult enough to deal with. It was hard even back when I knew it was retaliation. It grew harder as it persisted over the years and his ire toward me didn’t wane. Each year I grew older, it felt worse, because I could no longer fool myself that it was still about me.

No. Eventually, his fiery anger turned to cold bitterness, and my infidelity was just an excuse to keep living the way he was. Who wouldn’t prefer the novelty of young, fresh, pretty girls to the forty-year-old woman you haven’t loved in fifteen years but are forced to share a space with?

I can’t let Cole see how it bothers me. He has enough to stress about. I cross my arms over my chest and give him a stern look. “I don’t think you’re being fair to your dad.”

If it weren’t for the slight clenching of his jaw, I could almost think he hadn’t heard me. “What time is your appointment?”

The question startles me. “At three-thirty, but I plan—”

“I’m coming with you.”

My eyes widen. “Cole, I want to involve you kids as little as possible—”

“Well, I don’t want that.” His eyes grow stern. “I want you to do this right.”

The concern in his eyes fills me with warmth. He’s always been protective of me. Even as a little boy, before he had any clue about the depth of our marital problems, he always took my side when Mark and I fought. Years ago, during one of the few times Mark ever raised his voice to me, Cole came over and hit him. “Stop yelling at her,” he shouted in that sweet, high-pitched little voice.

But I can see a pattern that might develop, and I can’t have it. I won’t trade one caretaker for another.

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