Page 18 of Faithless

I lost that power before I really understood that I had it.

Oh God, this is painful, isn’t it? But I have to go on.

There’s a physical ache in my chest. This morning, I broke out of the fog that kept me from truly seeing myself and my behavior these last two months. The fog that made me focus only on Jason and how his supposed “unconquerable” love for me made me feel—how it soothed the insecurities of being not polished or glamorous enough for Mark.

This morning, I woke up with Mark’s arms around me and felt truly content for the first time in my life. My thoughts blanketed around me like the strong body of the only man I’ve ever really loved.

The man I never knew I loved until now.

I keep my back turned to him, because I’m not ready to see his face just yet. “He reached out to me a few months ago. He emailed me.”

“Email,” Mark says, his voice low and tight.

“He was just asking how I was doing. I really think it was innocent on his part, but I was feeling really low. It was at the peak of my postpartum, and I think I was—”

“Of course,” Mark says.

“I know,” I say tightly. “I know it sounds like an excuse, but I was still about thirty pounds overweight, and I felt so unattractive—”

“Oh, you mean when you wouldn’t have sex with me because you felt unattractive?” His voice is rising, and it makes my stomach fill with cold, sick dread. “Is that the time we’re talking about? Is that when you started fucking your ex-fiancé?”

“Yes,” I answer, because there’s nothing else to say. Maybe I should stop with the excuses. Maybe I should just give him the brutal truth and let him hate me for it. I deserve to be hated.

I’m despicable.

Willing my body to move, I turn around, and the look on his face sends an icy shiver down my spine. He’s never looked at me like this before. He’s never felt so far away.

Still, I keep my eye contact steady. I deserve to see hatred in those normally soft green eyes. “At first, we just emailed back and forth a few times, and then he asked me out for drinks. You know I haven’t been able to handle my alcohol lately—”

“Blaming it on drunkenness, huh?” His tight smile is frightening. “I sure don’t get laid when you’re drunk. Maybe Jason should give me a few pointers.”

I lower my eyes for a moment before forcing them back to his face. I raise my voice. “No. I’m not using it as an excuse. I’m just giving you the facts. We went out to a bar, and it was the first time I felt sexy since before my pregnancy. It started out as just catching up, but after a few drinks, he started telling me how he regrets calling off our engagement—”

Mark makes a grunting sound, but when he doesn’t say any more, I force myself to keep going. “It was what I always wanted to hear, and before I knew it, I was driving with him to his hotel—”

“Why was he in Santa Barbara?” Mark cuts in.

I hesitate for a moment before saying, “At first, I thought it was a work-related trip, but now I think he might have—”

“Of course he did.” Mark takes several steps in my direction, his expression growing harder with each step. He stops inches away and looks down into my face. “What did you do with him when you got back to the hotel?”

His voice is low, almost a whisper, but it sends a rush of sick dread in my stomach. I’ve never seen him like this before. I know he would never harm me, but I can feel the restrained aggression in the air between us. He looks like he wants to strangle me.

I don’t bother asking what he means, because I already know. He wants specifics. “Mark, we were engaged…”

“Exactly,” he whispers. “Didn’t take long to pick up where you left off, did it?”

When I try to look away, he grabs my chin and tilts it back in place. His touch is gentle, which only makes it that much more chilling. “No, no.” His voice is soft. “Look at me while you tell me. What was the first thing you did?”

I swallow. “We kissed.”

“And then?” His warm hand drifts from my jaw to the back of my neck. He caresses my nape, sending tickles down my spine.

“We pretty much… We just had sex after that—”

“No foreplay? No blowjob?”

His soft voice and sparkling eyes make me feel almost hypnotized. “Not… I mean… Not to completion.”

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