Page 80 of Purity

An almost hysterical giggle bursts out of my chest. “Some pastors are. The position can attract people who like power, which is why I’ve been on the lookout for a more… I don’t know…unassuming pastor, I guess. What denomination was it?”

“Um…” His brow knits. “What you are. Pentecostal.”

My body grows weightless. Jesus, I can’t believe he did all this. He went to church for year. He found one in my denomination. He knew his pastor.

All for me.

“Why did you go?” I ask, even though I already know.

“I was trying to become the type of guy you wanted, but ultimately, I realized I couldn’t. It just wasn’t for me, and I knew you would see right through me if I pretended like it was.”

My throat grows so tight I can hardly speak. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He hesitates for a moment. “I was terrified of how disappointed you’d be if you knew I didn’t like it, because it means so much to you.”

My eyes prickle. “I guess I was pretty judgmental back then.”

“No.” His tone is firm. “I never felt judged by you. I didn’t go to church because I had any fear you didn’t accept me as I was. I just wanted to become what you needed. Because I loved you, Livvy. I love you now, and I’ll love you forever. You were right that I put you on hold. I wanted you all to myself, because I was so scared of what would happen if I let you go, which is why there’s only one way to make amends.” He swallows. “I have to let you go now.”

When my mouth falls open, he averts his gaze. “I hope it’s not forever. If I had my way, it wouldn’t be for very long at all, but this isn’t about me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I came here today to let you know that I’m on hold for you. Do whatever you need to do to break out of your shell. You told me you’ve lived small because of me, and I want to show you that I don’t want that at all. I want you to live a full life, even if it scares me. If you need to make out with other guys and…sleep around and experiment with your sexuality…” He exhales an unsteady breath. “I mean, I’m not going to lie, I hate even thinking about it, but I’ll understand if that’s what you need to do. Obviously, I shouldn’t be around for it, since I’ve proven that I have no chill. But I’ll be waiting. I’ll be on hold for you.” His voice shakes. “I’ll be on hold forever if I need to be. There’s no one in the world for me but you.”

My heart is so light and airy, it could carry me to the sky. I want to tell him I don’t want any of that. That I love him too much to make him prove himself. But that would be going back to my old pattern of giving him whatever he wants the moment he wants it.

For five whole years, I’ve accepted whatever I could get from him, as if it were all I deserved. If we’re going to have a prayer of making it long term, I have to change the old patterns now. I need to prove to him that I’m no longer his angel, ready to fly in and rescue him from even the slightest turmoil.

Or maybe I need to prove it to myself.

“I have a lot to think about,” I say.

His eyes alight. “Does that mean… You think you might take me off hold eventually?”

The hope in his voice makes my heart flutter. “Did you think I wouldn’t even consider it?”

He exhales an unsteady breath. “I don’t know what I thought. I’ve been so scared that I fucked everything up for good.” When he lifts up his hand and holds it in front of me, his fingers are shaking.

Jesus, give me strength. I don’t want him to be this scared. Do I really need him to prove himself?

Yes.

I’m not submissive any longer, at least not outside of the bedroom. I can do this.

I can make my own demands.

“I don’t really like the idea of keeping you on hold indefinitely,” I say. “That would make me selfish.”

He smiles warmly. “You deserve to be selfish for once.”

I shake my head. “What if we use my impurity contract deadline? What if we decide to meet on September seventeenth, and we can talk again then?”

His swallow is audible. “You mean like…you’ll give me a definite answer? A yes or no forever?”

When I nod, he inhales deeply and runs a hand through his hair. “Sure. Whatever you want. I’m not going to lie though, the thought of getting a no from you is terrifying.” He laughs humorlessly. “I think I’d rather just live in blissful ignorance.”

“But it’s healthier for both of us if you don’t.”

---