Page 3 of Purity

I nod slowly. “I think I want to get high too. I always thought if I smoked weed, it would lead to a life of drugs.”

“I used to think that too,” Mari says. “And I almost lost my mind with paranoia the first time I got high.”

Vanessa grimaces. “That doesn’t sound fun.”

“This isn’t about fun,” I say. “It’s about facing my fears.”

Vanessa lowers her gaze to the sand.

“I think you need to add dressing slutty to your contract,” Mari says. “Your body shame is probably one of the most toxic things you inherited from purity culture. Especially your hang-up with your boobs. I would kill for your double Ds, and you treat them like they’re disgusting.”

Just the thought of my chest exposed makes a hot, prickling shame creep over my body, which is exactly why I need to listen to Mari’s suggestion.

I nod. “I’ll add that.”

Five items in total. Now for the final one. The big one. As I start writing down “lose my virginity”, I’m halted by my sister’s voice.

“I think you should add telling Cole how you feel to your list.”

I grow utterly still, and heat creeps along my neck.

Goodness, just thinking about it makes my stomach churn. What if he says he doesn’t love me back, that he never could?

I don’t think I could bear it.

A strong, assertive woman would tell him how she feels, but I’m not there yet. “I’ll think about,” I say, “but I think this is good for now.” I lift up the list.

1. First kiss

2. Get drunk

3. Smoke weed

4. Dress slutty

5. Have a drunken make-out

6. Lose my virginity

“I don’t have to do them in order, but they all need to be done by September seventeenth, which means if Cole says no, I’ll have some work to do, because I’m determined to get this done—”

My phone chimes, and I reach into my pocket. A smile tugs at my lips when I see the name on my screen. “Speak of the devil.”

“Cole?” Mari asks.

“Yep,” I say as I glance at the text.

Cole: I just finished unpacking, and I’m dying to see you. Do you have time to hang out before the party? Just let me know where you are, and I’ll come to you.

Mari glances at my phone and snorts. “Anyone who reads that text would think he’s your boyfriend.”

My lips tighten. “That’s part of the problem. I’m too available for him. I have to start asserting myself more. I was planning on taking my time to get ready so I look really pretty at the party. If I hang out with him now, I won’t have time.”

I look down at my phone, debating what to text back. My gut instinct is to be overly apologetic, to tell him I’m so sorry I don’t have time but promise to be extra early to the party so that we can see each other then.

But I need to start changing the old patterns.

Me: I’m hanging out with Mari and Vanessa, so I won’t be able to see you until the party. I have some HUGE news I have to share with you :)

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