Page 34 of Purity

“I told you I want to stay out, and you didn’t listen to me.” My voice doesn’t sound nearly as firm as I want.

His jaw clenches. “I can’t believe you just did that. I never would have expected it of you in a million years, even drunk.”

I take a deep breath to keep my lips from quivering. “I wanted an adventure.”

“An adventure,” he scoffs. “You ran off in the middle of the night with drunk people everywhere when you can barely stand up straight. You don’t even have your phone on you, so I had no way of finding you. I was lucky I walked in there.”

“I’m sorry.” My voice is small.

He shakes his head. “This is so unlike you. I wasn’t even totally sure you ran off. I thought maybe someone kidnapped you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not forgiven.” He steps back and takes a deep, shaky breath, setting his hand at the center of his chest. “My heart is still pounding. I was so worried.”

He doesn’t sound angry now, and it’s the final straw. I lose what’s left of my flimsy drunken self-control. The first tear rolls down my cheek, and I can’t stop my face from scrunching up. When his eyes grow huge, I turn away, unable to bear the humiliation. “Just give me a second.”

I keep my gaze fixed on the concrete as I take a few steps. The cold, misty wind brushing over my hot cheeks is a momentary relief. “I won’t go far, I promise.”

“Livvy, oh my God.” His voice has returned to its usual gentleness, but it doesn’t lessen my shame.

I hate being so soft. It’s so humiliating. Even when I try to be adventurous, I’m still weak and timid.

Maybe I can’t blame my upbringing for my subservience. Maybe I made the ideal obedient Christian girl because I was born this way, and nothing I do will ever change that.

When I’m yanked against a hard chest, I release the breath I was holding.

“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I can’t believe I made you cry. I’m an asshole. I shouldn’t have gotten so mad at you when you’re drunk. It was my fault for leaving you alone.”

His anger would be easier to bear than his tenderness in my fragile mood. In the end, I can’t help but bury my head against his chest and cry. My heaving sobs only make my humiliation that much more acute.

“Oh God, Livvy, you’re killing me right now. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m just stupidly sensitive.” My voice is muffled against his chest, and he squeezes me so tightly that, for a moment, I can’t take a breath.

“Aww, sweetheart, I know you’re sensitive, and it’s okay. I can’t believe I just yelled at you. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“You’re a natural leader.” My stomach lurches. “And I’m a natural follower.”

“A leader,” he scoffs. “I’ve been acting like a fucking dictator with you tonight.” He presses his cheek against my head. “And you’re not a follower. You’re just considerate, and I’ve only been thinking about myself. I promise to try harder. You want to stay out and drink more? I’ll keep you safe.”

“No, I want to go home, and you were being kind of a dictator, but not about this. I’d be so mad at you if you made me worried on purpose, but you wouldn’t cry like a baby about it. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. I always cry when people get mad at me…” Another wave of humiliation washes over me, and I sob even harder.

He brushes his lips over the top of my head, sending tingles into my scalp. Goodness, he’s touched me more in the past twenty-four hours than he has during our whole friendship.

It feels so good.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be embarrassed for being sensitive. I love that about you.”

Hearing the word love on his lips nearly breaks me. My body becomes a deadweight in his arms, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“I hate it. It makes me weak.”

“No, it doesn’t.” His voice is firm. “You’re compassionate and in tune with other people’s emotions. Those are strengths.”

I laugh humorlessly, but it sounds more like a sob. “I’m only compassionate because it makes me feel terrible to be any other way. I feel terrible when I hurt or disappoint people. It’s not real compassion. It’s fear.”

He squeezes me tightly. “Livvy, that’s silly. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves to care about whether they’ve hurt or disappointed people. Don’t discount your kindness just because it comes naturally to you.”

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