Page 29 of Purity

She nods like it’s nothing, like she’s just telling me about a movie she saw yesterday. “My partner’s faith, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with mine. My relationship with Jesus is deeply personal.”

“When…” I take a deep breath through my nose. “When did you decide this?”

She purses her lips to the side and narrows her eyes. “I guess it’s come on slowly over this last year. I’ve been reflecting a lot about purity culture, and this is tied to it. I was taught that I needed a Christian husband to be my spiritual leader, and I find all of that toxic now. I need to be my own spiritual leader, so it might actually be better for me to be with someone outside of my faith, someone who can help me see other perspectives and challenge me.”

I nod slowly, unable to craft a response to that. Why does it feel like the whole world shifted, just like it did years ago? Except this time, everything is glowing. Warmth rushes through my veins, and her beautiful face is sparkling. What is this feeling?

I think it might be hope.

“You really changed your mind?”

A small notch forms between her brows. “Cole…”

I swallow. “What?”

“You seem like you’re really affected by what I just told you.”

“Yeah,” I scoff. “It’s pretty big news.”

She stares at me for a moment. “It’s big for me, but is there a reason it’s significant for you?”

Another blanket of warmth drifts over me. Oh God, I could actually be with her, just like I wanted all those years ago. But this time, I wouldn’t have to go to church. I wouldn’t have to resign myself to lying to her every single day by pretending like I believe in something that still feels imaginary, even after the year I spent trying to make it real. I could just…be with her.

Why am I even considering it?

I’ve always known that her rigid religious background is a blessing in disguise. It’s the only reason I still have her in my life, so why do I feel like she opened door of possibilities?

Fuck, I need to think.

“It’s a little noisy out here,” I say, “and I want to give you my full attention when we talk about this. Why don’t you get back in there and find the others? I’ll be right in.”

Something flashes across her face. It looks a little like hurt, but I can’t think about that right now. I absolutely need some space to think, or I might do something really impulsive like tell her I’ve been waiting for this moment since the day I met her.

In a flash, she’s gone. How did she leave so quickly? Fuck, the whole world is buzzing, like I’ve taken a strong hit from a bong.

I walk to the edge of the patio, grip the cold metal bars, and squeeze tightly. A breeze brushes over my face, and it feels like heaven. I glance at the evening sky, and a deep ache pulls at my chest. Why does the whole world look beautiful?

A relationship with her wouldn’t last, even if we both fell in love. It would all fade away eventually, and then I would have nothing left.

Oh God, what am I going to do?

NINE

Livvy

What just happened?

Cole had looked bewildered, which I guess is reasonable considering how much I’ve insisted over the years that I would only date another Christian. Could that have prevented him from being with me all this time?

Many years ago, when I was so devout that I couldn’t understand how anyone wouldn’t want to be a Christian, it seemed like only a small barrier. It seemed that if he really liked me, he would come to church with me. He would at least ask me to share my faith with him, because that’s what you do when you’re interested in someone you really like. It was so simple.

I was so selfish and naive. I expected him to change his whole worldview when I wasn’t willing to compromise my beliefs in any way.

I hadn’t thought about any of this for a long time. Over the last few months, in an effort to squash the delusional hope I’ve harbored for years, I’ve told myself over and over again that he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t touch me. He doesn’t flirt with me. He loves me as a platonic friend, and he always will.

It takes me a moment to find Travis in the crowd. He’s sitting in the exact spot I left him. I take a deep breath to steel myself before heading in his direction. After whatever just happened outside, my first instinct is to forget all about my plans for tonight and spend the evening with Cole, but I can’t do that. That’s what the old me would do. I always drop everything for him, and I still don’t even know what his reaction was about. He got skittish when I asked him about it.

I form a smile on my face as I approach Travis. When I set a hand on his shoulder, he turns to me and grins widely like he’s delighted to see me.

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