Page 73 of Purity

“I think so. He’s desperate, but it’s not what he really wants.” I clench my jaw. “After we had sex, he said he still doesn’t believe in monogamy. Clearly, it wasn’t good enough for him to want to be with me long term. To want it only with me. Would you want a love like that? Would you want someone who’s only in a relationship with you because it’s a better alternative to losing your friendship?”

She’s quiet for a moment, and the heaviness of the week pulls my body like a magnet into my bed.

“No,” she eventually says. “I would only want to be with him if he were madly in love with me, especially if I loved him as much as you do.”

My throat grows tight. “Exactly. That’s exactly how I feel.”

“But I wouldn’t turn him down unless I knew for sure. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone being this desperate to keep someone in their life if they weren’t in love.”

That’s because you’re not weak enough to let yourself become a person’s only source of emotional comfort for five years straight while you wait for them to see you as something more.

I turn to my side and squeeze my eyes tightly shut. I can’t think about this now. I’ll wait until I hear what he has to say.

NINETEEN

Cole

I’m soaked with sweat by the time I make it inside my parents’ house. As soon as I walk into the kitchen, I pour myself a glass of water and drain it. I don’t think I’ve run a six-minute mile since I quit baseball.

Three days without her, and I waiver between despair and strange bursts of breathless euphoria, which might be the result of lack of sleep.

But it might not be.

Maybe I needed this. Maybe this hell I’m living in now is actually a wonderful gift. Without it, I might never have crawled out of my deep pit of denial.

Losing her friendship has opened the door to that beautiful world I got to live in for less than twenty-four hours. The one I was too terrified to make my permanent home.

“Honey,” my mom says, pulling me out of my head. I’ve been spending a lot of time here with her since Livvy left. Even though I haven’t been brave enough to share more than I did a few days ago, my mom’s presence soothes me. “You have dark circles under your eyes. You’re not sleeping.”

“I’m not going to be able to sleep well until I talk to her.”

Her brow knits. “And what if your talk doesn’t go well?”

My throat constricts at the thought, but I push it away. “I can’t think about that right now.”

Her frown deepens. “You need to talk about what you’re feeling. Holding it in doesn’t do you any good.”

“I’m too tired to talk.”

She sighs. “Well, you know I’m here when you need me.”

“Is that right?” a deep voice says.

When I glance up, my dad’s tall form hovers in the kitchen entryway. He stands with his hands on his hips and a cynical smile on his face. “How can you be here for him if you’re breaking up this family?”

Jesus, is he drinking? He looks worse than I did the last time I looked in a mirror, with his red face and puffy eyes. When I shoot a questioning look at my mom, she shakes her head slightly before looking back at my dad. “I’m breaking up with you, not my children. Oh, and by the way, I talked to Allen yesterday, and I have great news about the estate. I mean, when I say you’ll be happy—”

“Allen.” My dad’s eyelids grow lazy. “So you’re on a first-name basis with him already. That was quick.”

I scowl. “Chill out, Dad. Most people are on a first-name basis with their lawyer. As you are, by the way, with all of the company lawyers. Leave her alone. You sound like a fucking child.”

My mom frowns at me. “Don’t talk to your dad like that.”

I’m about to roll my eyes at her, but the look my dad’s face freezes me. He’s staring at my mom with an emotion I recognize well, because it’s all I’ve felt these past several days.

It’s longing.

He’s probably thinking about how my mom won’t be around to defend him after the divorce. She won’t have his back, and anyone who’s been blessed enough to have her loyalty knows what a loss that is.

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