Page 67 of Purity

“I mean it’s unhealthy. Relationships are supposed to grow. You want to keep me in a box, and maybe it’s because you treasure me, but it’s not doing me any favors. You’re part of the reason I’ve lived so small.”

His mouth drops open. “I don’t want you to live small. I’m happy to see you grow and—”

“No.” I shake my head sharply. “You’re happy to see me grow as long as who I grow into suits you. As long as I don’t grow away from you, and you get to call all the shots. I’ve basically been your girlfriend for all these years, all while you got to sleep with countless other women, but you would hate it if I slept with other guys. And you know you’ll try to intervene in the name of ‘protectiveness’.”

His nostrils flare, but he wisely doesn’t speak. We both know any kind of denial would be a lie.

“In many ways, I’ve been submissive to you, just like I was taught to be with my husband someday. I know you love and care for me, but you want things your way. I’ve been on hold for you all these years, and you want to put me on hold again.”

He scowls. “What do you mean by ‘on hold’? Being with you wasn’t even an option until a few days ago.”

“No.” I stare at him steadily. Dread clamps my chest like a fist, and I take a deep breath to ease it as much as I can.

Now is the time.

The entirety of our friendship has led to this moment. As long as I keep my love a secret, I can live in the fantasy world that he loves me and doesn’t know it. The delusion has been a shelter for my pathetic heart. At the back of my mind, I’ve always known that once it crumbles, my heart will too.

But I’m ready for that.

“Cole, I’m in love with you. I always have been.”

Cole

There’s a roar in my head. “Always? You mean since we first met?”

Her brows draw together. “Yes. I fell in love with you during those first few months we were getting to know each other.”

The world around me starts to blur, and my body grows so light I could float away. I see her as she was back then—my beautiful Livvy who wore modest clothes and never cursed. How could she have been in love with me? “But you only liked Christian guys back then.”

She stares at me for a moment. “You seem to think that because I’m religious, I’m a different species than you. You know that I’m not really an angel, right? Even before I decided to break out of purity culture, I had human desires like everyone else. I wanted you. I was crazy horny for you, but it very quickly became much deeper than that.” Her voice grows hushed. “I fell in love with your heart. You made me see that people can be good without Jesus. My faith might never have evolved if not for you.”

My chest seizes, and I avert my gaze from hers. Oh God, she really loves me. How is this happening? Am I in heaven? “So…you loved me as I was back then?” I exhale a shaky breath. “You didn’t want me to change?”

“It was so much deeper than that. I thought you were designed for me by God. There was no way I could love you so much if you weren’t going to become a Christian someday, but I didn’t really think it would change you. You were already everything I wanted, just by being you.”

I nod slowly as adrenaline pulses through my veins. Oh God, if only I had known this during my last few weeks at that church. Those were some of the most miserable days of my life. That was when I finally realized that I could never be with her. I would have fallen into despair if I hadn’t rationalized my way out of it. I still had her. Maybe I couldn’t get everything I wanted, but I got enough to sustain myself, and what I had was a sure thing. She would never abandon me as long as we were just friends.

I held on to that comfort so fiercely that I refused to see it for what it really was—a delusion that provided a shield for the true despair.

The despair of believing her feelings would never match mine. How could they when I had so much evidence to the contrary? I loved her from the moment I met her, just as she is, but she wouldn’t even consider me unless I completely transformed. I was cursed to live like my mom, waiting for someone to love me when they never would, at least not in the way that I needed.

Oh God, I’ve been so wrong.

And so stupid.

“As you can see,” she says, “I’ve been on hold for you for many years.”

“Why did you never say anything?” My voice is a croak.

“As long as I kept it a secret, I could lie to myself that eventually you would realize you love me too.” She glances down at the crumpled blanket on the bed and smooths it out with her palm. “But I’m not that weak anymore. I don’t need to lie to myself.” She meets my gaze. “I’m done waiting for you. You made your choice, and it doesn’t work for me. We can’t be just friends anymore.”

A buzzing sounds in my ears. Her face shifts for a moment, like she’s someone else. This can’t really be happening. She couldn’t have really said that.

“Um…” My head grows heavy. I shut my eyes for a moment to fight the dizziness. “What?”

Her brow furrows. “Oh, Cole. I know this is really hard for you. I’m so sorry.”

Holy fuck, is she comforting me? Did she just take away my entire world and tell me she’s sorry that I’m alone now?

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