Page 45 of Purity

I frown. “Does that weird you out?”

“No, I’m just…surprised.” Her throat works. “Do you mean you wanted to date me back then?”

I try to gauge her reaction. She had to know I had a crush on her back then. “Of course. It wasn’t obvious? I mean, remember when we had our Lord of the Rings marathon, and I made it a whole themed night? I played the soundtrack, and didn’t I make some kind of Lord of the Rings inspired stew for you?”

She purses a smile. “You did.”

“I don’t even like The Lord of the Rings that much. I had to ask Zac all kinds of questions so that you wouldn’t know I had never read any of the books. He made fun of me for weeks after that. I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t…”

My lips close. Holy fuck, was I about to say “in love”? Being so close to having her is making me crazy.

“Really into you,” I finish.

She stares at me for what feels like an eternity, and I strain to read the look in her eyes.

“What changed?” she finally asks in a small voice.

She stares at me steadily, without even a flicker of understanding in her eyes, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The day she told me she could never be with an atheist was probably just an ordinary moment for her. It isn’t burned into her memory like it is mine. She didn’t mean it as a personal rejection.

But goddamn, it sure felt like one.

“You told me you could only be with a Christian who was as ‘on fire for God’ as you were. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew it wasn’t me.”

She nods slowly. “I was so extreme. Was that what made your crush go away?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you really liked me at first—like liked me—and now you can only see me as a friend. Did my faith make your crush go away?”

I stare at her for a moment. “No… I guess… It never went anywhere. You just became much more to me than a crush.”

Livvy

It never went anywhere.

The words echo as an audible voice as we sit on our favorite boulder at the top of the peak. The Santa Barbara coast stretches out below us, and the ocean is electric under the afternoon sky. I’ve lived in this city my entire life, and yet it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time.

Why did I take that edible? Now I’m forced to mull over his confession in a brain fog. Every time I try to hang on to a thought, it slips out of my grasp. But my body remembers. My stomach is still fluttering, and heat shoots into my groin every time the words replay in my head.

You became much more to me than a crush.

How is it possible that my deepest, most secret fantasy—that he’s in love with me and doesn’t know it—might really be coming true?

Goodness, am I dreaming?

I lift my foot into the air. My shoe looks just like I remember. That tiny brown stain on the toe is still there from when I spilled my Hazelnut Mocha almost a year ago. This image is too specifically accurate. In a dream, my shoes would change color, or look strange somehow.

Cole’s laughter only strengthens my certainty. This heat creeping up my neck and seeping into my cheeks is more tingly and electric than normal, but it’s certainly real. It’s embarrassment, though it feels like it’s coming from far away. He’s laughing at me. Because I’m staring at my shoe.

Goodness, I’m as high as the seagulls flying over us. Their squawks send a shiver down my spine. “I don’t like seagulls,” I say in a rush.

“No?” I hear a smile in his voice.

I shake my head, trying to think of a way to save myself from my blunder. “They’re mean. Cruel, even. I’ve seen them beat up on other birds.”

“Maybe that’s what they have to do to survive.” When I still hear that smile, I know my save wasn’t as calm and measured as it sounded in my head. Why am even talking about seagulls?

“Survival never justifies cruelty,” I say.

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