Page 44 of Purity

“I know.” She sighs. “But it’s okay, because he won’t really do it.”

“Well, if he does, you know where you’re living.”

A sad smile tugs at her lips. “You don’t have room for me in your guesthouse.”

I would if you shared my bed.

Fuck, these thoughts are coming unbidden now that I’m so close to having her.

“I’m not staying in it much longer. I’ll be starting at Walker Industries next week, and my parents offered to give me an advance on my inheritance if I want to buy a house. I wasn’t planning on doing it since I’ll be making enough money soon enough, but if you need a place to live, I’ll just say fuck it and take the money.”

When she sucks in her lips to repress a smile, my cheeks warm. “I know, I know. I hear myself say these things sometimes, and even I’m like, ‘shut the fuck up, you rich prick.’”

“No. It’s amazing that you can buy a house.”

“If you need to live with me, I’ll take a big advance and get something you love. A house in West Beach with a view of the ocean.”

I reach out and grab her hand. She looks startled at first, but then she interlocks her fingers with mine. I never used to allow myself even this type of touch—the softer, more affectionate kind.

Letting go is heaven.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her shake her head. “It won’t come to that. He’s not really going to kick me out. This is what he does. He’s very dramatic. Everything he said this morning is exactly what I expected, so even though it’s taxing, at least I was prepared. It’s Vanessa I’m worried about. I think she feels like I’m betraying her.”

“Damn.” I frown. “She’s always seemed like she’s a lot more—” My lips close just in time. Good God, was I really about to say I thought her younger sister was more level-headed in her beliefs? How fucking condescending.

“Cole, it’s okay.” Livvy’s voice is full of understanding. “You were going to say that Vanessa isn’t as kooky of a Christian as I was at her age.”

I halt in my tracks and pull her around to face me. There’s a sheepish smile planted on her face.

“I was not going to say that. I’ve never thought you were kooky.”

Her smile grows a little exasperated. “Cole.”

“I didn’t. Ever. Even though I didn’t understand your beliefs, I’ve always thought you’re one of the best people I know. I thought Christians were full of shit until I met you, and I’ll be honest, I still think a lot of them are. But not you.”

Her smile fades. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I was kooky. Even I can see that now. And come on, you have to admit you thought so too. At least a little bit.”

I shake my head sharply. “I thought some of your beliefs were strange. And wrong, if I’m being honest. I mean, all the stuff you’re trying to get rid of. The purity culture stuff. I thought it was a little weird.”

“It’s really weird.”

“But I never thought you were. You marveled me when I first met you. I couldn’t believe someone could be so kind and thoughtful without any strings attached.” I shake my head slowly, memories flooding through me in rush. She was the first person to ask me if something was wrong five years ago. I was able to talk to her about it because she never made me feel stupid. I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn’t just get over my dad’s infidelity, but she didn’t. That closeness with her made me realize what was really wrong.

I was lonely. I lost two people that day. My relationship with my dad was over, and my relationship with my mom was never the same. I couldn’t burden her with the petty concerns of my life anymore. Not when she was so miserable.

In a strange way, I’m glad it all happened that way, because I never would have transferred to San Marcos if I hadn’t been so depressed, and then I would have missed out on the most precious relationship in my life.

“Yeah, well…” she says, pulling me out of my head. “Most of who I am comes from my obedience. I was taught to be kind and thoughtful, and I always do as I’m told.”

“Whatever it was, it caught my seventeen-year-old heart.” I smile. “God, I would have done anything for you back then. I even thought about becoming a Christian.”

Livvy halts in place. When she turns to face me, her eyes are wide and dazed. “Did you really?”

Fuck, why did I bring that up? I can’t ever tell her about the church thing. How can I explain it? I went, and I didn’t like it. I was so bored I wrote college essays in my head so that the precious two hours of my weekend wouldn’t be wasted. Even now that she’s more understanding about everything, she couldn’t help but feel a division between us.

“I mean…sort of. Before I really understood what it meant to you. Before I knew it was a whole way of life and not just something I could attend once a week. I think I was mostly just thinking about getting laid. I was too dumb and horny to recognize the irony of that.”

She doesn’t return my smile. She doesn’t even move.

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