Page 11 of Purity

I exhale heavily, lowering my gaze to the grass. “It doesn’t. The truth is, neither of us know how things would change if we do this, and forgive me if I don’t want to be your science experiment.”

I ought to tell her the real reason—the true fear. I’m afraid you’ll fall in love with me. I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with you. Once that happens, we’ll be on a path toward destruction. She could never understand. She’s too naive to realize that romantic love is really just intense sexual desire in disguise. And desire always fades.

When the warmth of her hand touches my arm, my stomach jolts.

God, her touch feels so good. Why does it have to feel so good? Why does the only person in the world who makes me feel safe and happy also have to ignite me like this?

“I don’t want you to feel that way,” she says. “That makes it sound like I’m using you.”

I set my hand on top of hers, relishing her warmth for one brief moment before I let it go. “I know you’re not using me, and I want to be able to help you with all of this, but it’s a huge deal. It’s not something I can just decide on without thinking about it.”

“I don’t want you to rush it. Take all the time you need to think about it.”

I grunt. Somehow, I’ve gone from a definitive “no” to thinking about it, all in the span of a few minutes.

Oh God, how am I going to resist her?

I don’t think she should be doing any of this in the first place. She’s not ready. Her idiot parents sheltered her to the point of ignorance. Mari and I have tried to fill in the gaps, but it’s been hard when Livvy gets so nervous and clammed up when we get too explicit about some of our own sexual experiences.

She’s so damned vulnerable. She shouldn’t be getting drunk and making out with strange guys, because she never learned how to protect herself.

I need to protect her.

“Look,” I say. “All I can do right now is promise to help you with your impurity contract. I’ll be there when you get drunk and high. I’ll stay sober to make sure you’re safe. If you want to have a drunken make-out session…” I grit my teeth. “I can be nearby in case the guy tries something with you, something that makes you uncomfortable.”

When she looks like she’s fighting a smile, I frown. “What?”

“That’s fine as long as you don’t scare him away.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

Her smile grows. “You have done it in the past.”

“Only because I knew you didn’t want it.”

“You’ve scared away guys for just talking to me.”

My cheeks grow hot. “They weren’t Christians. Until now, you didn’t want any attention from guys who weren’t Christians.”

“I never said that.”

“Well, you’ve told me plenty of other things, and I read between the lines. I didn’t want you to get any unwanted attention.”

“I know.” She smiles warmly. “You’re such a caring friend. Thank you for helping me with my contract, even if you don’t agree with it.”

For a moment, our gazes hold. God, she’s so beautiful. So damned beautiful and sweet. I could keep myself in check and give her the kind of first time she wants. I could light candles, kiss her softly, push into her slowly and—

No.

I don’t want vanilla sex with her, and I could never be satisfied with only a small slice of heaven. I’m too greedy for her touch after years of deprivation. I want to lick her for hours, pulling away just before she comes. I want to spank her for all the times she made me hard against my will, like she did a moment ago. And when she’s ready to be a good girl, I’ll slam into her tightness and tell her that I own her now.

Fuck.

I can’t let myself imagine it. This is how I used to think years ago, and it’s dangerous.

“Can we start tomorrow?” she asks.

“Tomorrow?” My voice is a rasp.

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