Page 94 of Wild and Bright

Logan sucks in his lips as if to fight a smile. I’d definitely be annoyed with him under any other circumstances, but I’m too exhausted to care.

Too desperate.

Too miserable.

When he starts to laugh in earnest, Leilani punches him in the shoulder. “He’s being a jerk,” she says after turning to me, “but I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to show some vulnerability. I can’t guarantee she’ll respond to it, but I think it’s better than the approach you took earlier. When you showed up at Logan’s doorstep and…”

“Broke and entered,” I fill in for her, running my fingers through my already disheveled hair. “What the hell am I going to say to her?”

Logan frowns. “That’s the easy part. Tell her how you feel. Tell her the truth.”

“The truth isn’t very romantic.”

In an instant, Logan’s expression shifts into what I saw earlier when he came to the door. “What is the truth?”

I groan, too tired to even think about it, let alone explain it. “The truth is that I want her so desperately, I don’t even care that I can’t trust her. That at any moment she might do something like…this.”

Logan crosses his arms over his chest. “What exactly is this?”

“Disappear without a trace because she’s mad at me. Take her daughter away from me, who’s probably my daughter.”

Something flashes in Logan’s eyes, and I realize he knows. Lauren told him everything. “Even if she is, and the chances are slim, biology doesn’t make a father. You barely know Cadence.”

I exhale heavily, not wanting to get into this argument again. The truth is that I don’t care anymore. I want my new family back so badly that the circumstances don’t matter. I don’t need proof that I’m Cadence’s biological father.

I’m starting to wonder if I only wanted the paternity test as leverage over Lauren, because I always feel like I have something over her or I’ll be lost. Her control over my emotions is so complete I’ve tried to fight it by controlling her behavior. But I should have known all along that I can’t do it. This is just like Hunter’s addiction.

Control is an illusion.

And I’m starting not to care that she owns me.

“It’s worth it,” I say with complete confidence this time. “It’s worth being on edge all the time if it means we can be together.”

“Why would you be on edge all the time?” Logan asks.

I frown. “Because she’s so unpredictable. I could never relax.”

Logan shakes his head. “That sounds like a Cam problem. Not a Lauren problem.”

A chill runs down my spine. His words take me back to that conversation with Hunter a few days ago. “What do you mean?”

“Lauren’s really not that unpredictable. Sure, sometimes she’ll get really drunk and dance on top of a bar, or make-out with someone else’s boyfriend.” He glances at Brenna pointedly. “But that’s the extent of it.”

“What about running away?” I nearly yell.

“She didn’t run away. She’s visiting a friend because she needed space. You’re the only one who’s worried about her.”

“Your mom and dad are worried—”

“No,” he interrupts. “My mom’s manipulating you because she wants Lauren to bring Cadence back to San Diego. Neither of them are worried. You’re the only one who’s worried, which isn’t a Lauren problem. It’s a Cam problem.”

The denial rises to my lips—it’s on the tip of my tongue—but then I’m brought back to that conversation with Janie not that long ago.

“Because for people like you and me—and by that I mean people with anxiety…”

Goddamn it, is that all this is? Am I that lacking in self-awareness that I’d push away the woman I love because I have anxiety? It seems too stupidly simple to be the cause of all my misery, but then it’s so in line with all of my problems with Hunter.

I’m scared. I’m scared all the time because this love is so big it’s painful. If I lost either of them, my heart would shatter irreparably.

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